Still with me?  OK… here goes.  In no particular order.

You think Hogan looks old here? This was in 2008!

Mandatory Retirement Age

Now before you get your panties in a bunch realize that I’m not talking about a literal “happy birthday, you’re fired” retirement age.  I’m talking about that point in time where the wrestling business has passed you by.  Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair & Sting… I’m looking directly at the three of you.  You guys are legends of the wrestling business.  In fact, you’re probably (arguably) 3 of the top 5 or 10 wrestlers of all time.  But it’s over.  Please go away.  Don’t step in the ring.  Father time has caught up with you and you simply cannot “bring it” any more.  If you want to stick around the business in some non-performer role I’ve got no problem with it, but your days cutting promos, blading and trying to hang with the young guys are over.

Specifically talking to Flair and Hogan here.  Guys, you’ve ruined your legacy.  Note that I didn’t say “you’re ruining your legacy.”  Nope… that would imply that there’s a chance of NOT ruining it.  You’re both well beyond that.  You’re not only shells of your former selves, but you’re downright embarrassing at this point.  I’m sorry to say it cause I’ve got nothing but respect for you, but you’re pathetic.

And before you think that this is only an anti-TNA rant the WWE has its share of guys that are WELL beyond their prime.  The Undertaker is my all time favorite wrestler… but hung on way too long (though he only works about 3-6 months a year).  Bret Hart keeps trying to roll his way to the ring.  Kevin Nash finds himself in the middle of the main program.  Fucking Jerry Lawler main evented a PPV last year and made his FIRST WrestleMania appearance.  I hate the term “youth movement” but in this case it’s necessary.

So much for that title lineage...

Less Titles That Mean More

Ever since WWE purchased WCW (and essentially ECW) there are just too damn many titles.  WWE has the WWE Championship, World Heavyweight Championship, US, Intercontinental, Tag Team, Divas, and pretty soon (in all likelihood) Internet.  TNA has the World Heavyweight, Television, Tag Team, X Division, Knockout, and Knockout Tag Team.  In 2 federations, that’s 13 titles.  It seems like every match on every PPV is for a title.  They’ve been WAY watered down.  The WWE should combine the US & Intercontinental and the WWE and World titles.  TNA has no need a Knockout Tag Team title.  There’s too many titles and because of that they don’t mean shit.

Back in the day it MEANT something to be the Intercontinental Champion.  Honky Tonk Man was one of the best heels in history when he held the IC strap.  Why?  Cause the title meant something and he cheated to hold onto it.  Bret Hart and the British Bulldog main evented a PPV for the Intercontinental title in one of the best matches of all time.  These titles are nothing more than props at this point… they’re swapped with such regularity that it becomes difficult to even keep track of who’s champ.  The WWE championship and the TNA World Title have changed hands 6 times so far this year. The WWE & IC titles 4.  Those “prestigious” titles just simply should be swapping that often… it diminishes them.  I’d absolutely LOVE for Alberto Del Rio to hold onto the title through WrestleMania this year.  It’d make his match absolutely HUGE regardless of who he’s wrestling.  But if history is any indication… he’ll drop it in a PPV or two.

Finally starting to showcase Ziggler's brilliance

Push More Talent

I understand that some people sell more merchandise than others.  I understand that there will always be talent that rises to the top and thus gets more airtime that others.  I understand that this is a business and the feds are in it to make money.  But Jesus Christ… if I’ve got to hear that damn John Cena theme song one more time I’m going to shoot someone.  If I need to watch Eric Bischoff roll down to the ring to babble for 20 minutes with Hulk Hogan (brother) I’m going to puke (brother).  There’s a whole SLEW of talented guys that are relegated to secondary shows (Smackdown) or worse yet Internet or house shows.  We always hear about how both WWE and TNA are cutting back their rosters.  Back in the day both the WWF and WCW/NWA rosters were huge.  You know why?  Cause there were jobbers.  There were guys on the roster who’s only reason for being employed was to lose.  To make the stars look good.  The Iron Mike Sharpe’s and Barry O’s of the world are no longer there.  That’s a very bad thing.

Not only did we have jobbers, but the shows weren’t based around 1 or 2 top guys.  In the “Attitude Era” damn near every guy on the roster could win on any given night.  Damn near every guy could and would main event a show.  Part of that is that there was an overload of talent in the wrestling business at that time.  But another BIG part of it was the fact that they’d had enough TV time to build their characters and people knew who they were… and cared about them.  Sure, there were guys that stood out and had more TV time (Rock, Austin, Hogan, Hall & Nash) but those shows didn’t REVOLVE around them like WWE does Cena and TNA does Hogan/Bischoff these days.  Note to TNA, please see point #1 above.

I saw both Benoit & Guerrero win titles at WrestleMania XX. Both Gone.

Drug Testing

The drug testing policies in both the WWE and TNA are complete shams.  I don’t care what Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter say, it’s not being addressed.  Just in the last couple of months, Kurt Angle, Jeff & Matt Hardy, and Sin Cara (off the top of my head) have been linked to issues. These aren’t “isolated incidences” as we’re lead to believe.  Here’s the most comprehensive list of dead wrestlers I could find… 261 of them.   Sure, not all of them were drug related, but quite a few of them were.  Not just quite a few… more than quite a few.  Like, a shit ton more.

Just since the year 2000, check out this (very partial) list:

• Gary Albright (heart attack age 34)
• Bobby Duncam Jr. (drug overdose age 34)
• Yokozuna (heart attack age 34)
• Terry Gordy (heart attack age 40)
• Russ Haas (heart failure age 27)
• British Bulldog (heart attack age 39)
• Curt Hennig (drug overdose age 44)
• Miss Elizabeth (drug overdose age 42)
• Road Warrior Hawk (heart attack age 46)
• Hercules Hernandez (heart attack age 45)

Seeing a pattern yet?

• Big Boss Man (heart attack age 42)
• Eddie Guerrro (heart failure age 38)
• Bam Bam Bigelow (drug overdose age 45)
• Test (drug overdose age 34)

And that’s just the names most people would know.  Folks… it’s an issue.  Plain and simple.  There are just WAY too many heart issues for folks that are that young and in that good of shape.  Hell, if all these people are having “natural” heart attacks in the shape their in… I’m fucked.  Institute a mandatory drug testing policy with mandatory penalties.  3 strikes and you’re fucked.  Go home forever.  See you on the “Where Are They Now” DVD in a few years.

I’ve got a few more, but I’ve already ranted and rambled for over 1,200 words so I’ll stop with these.  I’m very passionate about this stuff because regardless of how much crap I take for it, I love professional wrestling.  I’ve enjoyed it for 3 decades and plan on enjoying it for many more to come.  I just really think that if some of these changes were made not only would I enjoy it more, but more wrestling fans would return or find it for the first time.

What do you think… Am I off base?  Comments welcome!

Randy Savage, best knowing for his time in the WWF with his wife/manager Miss Elizabeth, was one of the best performers in the wrestling business.  While he was great as a face (a good guy) I always preferred his work as a heel (a bad guy).  He had the ability to make everyone in the crowd absolutely DESPISE him.  He made my list of Top 10 WrestleMania Matches for the match he had with Ricky Steamboat at WrestleMania III.  Many consider this the best Mania match of all time and I don’t think I can disagree with that statement.

Wrestlers of today can learn a lot by watching tapes of the Macho Man in the ring but could probably learn more by listening to his promos… In my opinion he was one of the best of all time.  All Slim Jim jokes aside, Randy Savage was one of the best all around performers that the wrestling business has ever seen.   There have been rumors for years that he and Vince McMahon don’t get along anymore. I won’t go into them here… look it up if you’re interested.  Regardless I’d like to make a statement to the WWE and specifically to Vince McMahon.

“Vince… do the right thing.
Put Macho Man in the WWE Hall Of Fame NOW.  It’s long overdue.”

R.I.P. Macho.  And thank you for the memories.

Event:

We’re still in the WWF days… I keep thinking we’re flipping over to WWE pretty soon.  Good intro here that’s just starting to talk about the “Attitude Era”.  Goes into the lineage of the WWF title, introduces Austin, DX, Mike Tyson, etc.  We get the announcing duo of Jerry “The King” Lawler and Michael Cole on the mic and we go right into the first match of the night with no anthem, America The Beautiful, etc.

15 – Team Battle Royal
L.O.D. 2000 (Hawk and Animal) (with Sunny) won by last eliminating The New Midnight Express (Bombastic Bob and Bodacious Bart) (with Jim Cornette)
The last team is a “mystery team” and it’s the returning L.O.D. accompanied by Sunny.  That right there makes it all worth it… damn is she hot.  They’ve got a new (silly) look which includes helmets.  Um… OK.  This is a no DQ battle royal where when one member of a team is thrown out the partner needs to go as well.  A good way for WWF to get quite a few guys on the WrestleMania card.  This is a pretty typical match with L.O.D. and the Midnight Express (Bob Holly and Bart Gunn) being the last two teams.  L.O.D. gets the win in a decent if predictable opener.  Oh yeah, did I mention that Sunny is hot?

WWF Light Heavyweight Championship
Taka Michinoku (c) defeated Aguila
Quick match for these guys.  I’m not a huge fan of this type of wrestling but I can totally appreciate how talented these guys are.  Nice looking moonsault to the outside by Aguila.  Good lord would that be difficult to do and not kill yourself.  This is definitely not a typical match but very entertaining.  I wonder if it was so short cause that’s the way it was booked or so the guys don’t kill one another by going longer?  Can’t blame the talent for getting gassed going at this pace.  Taka hits his finisher to retain after a quick yet completely entertaining match.

WWF European Championship
Triple H (c) (with Chyna) defeated Owen Hart
The DX band is in the house playing intro music all night.  Seems silly to me, but at least they get to play it a couple of times.  Commissioner Sgt. Slaughter is handcuffed to Chyna during this match to prevent any shenanigans.  Own starts off with an injured ankle but is out quick and gets the upper hand.  He then lowers his head too early for a backdrop and Hunter takes over.  Chyna is trying to get involved but Slaughter is keeping her at bay.  HHH works over Owen for a couple of minutes and then turns to the injured ankle.  Owen gets cut on the nose (probably hardway) and then makes a nice comeback to get a series of close falls for the title.  This section of the match is tremendous with some great back and forth action.  Nice spot where Owen gets into a corner and falls down and headbutts HHH in the balls.  Owen gets the Sharpshooter on HHH but Chyna helps HHH to the ropes (good job Slaughter).  Chyna then proceeds to throw salt in Slaughter’s eyes and then low blows Owen.  HHH follows up with a Pedigree for the win.  Good match for something early on the card.

Marc Mero and Sable defeated The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust and Luna
Nice recap of what’s led to this match and I’m glad cause I completely don’t remember this feud.  Goldust is in a super gay uniform and is introduced as “formerly known as”.  Mero and Goldy start out with Mero getting the upper hand.  Goldy tags in Luna which means Sable needs to come in (I’ve always hated this type of stipulation… just let them wrestle).  Luna runs from Sable and tags back in Goldust.  Good job playing the heel by Luna as there is no way in hell she’d ever run from Sable.  These inter-gender matches with that stip totally take way the concept of a “hot tag”.  Finally we get to Sable entering the ring and she clears house.  The guys are back in and Mero hits a low blow and tries for his finisher which Goldust counters.  Good stuff from the fellas during this portion of the match.  Mero hits a weak looking TKO and Luna breaks the count.  Sable in and hits the Sable Bomb on Luna and SHE kicks out.  Sable then hits a TKO on Luna (much better than Mero’s version) for the win.  Decent match at best.  Feel free to skip unless you’re a big fan of one of these participants.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
The Rock (c) (with Kama Mustafa, Mark Henry and D’Lo Brown) defeated Ken Shamrock by disqualification

Tennessee Lee in the ring announces Jennifer Flowers and Double J.  She then announces the participants.  Rock is with the Nation of Domination and gets a huge “Rocky sucks” chant from the crowd.  Even back then Rock is a heat machine.  Shamrock out and on fire quickly.  Apparently if Rock is DQd he’ll lose the match and the title.  I can’t decide if I prefer Rock as a heel or a face better… either way he’s damned awesome.  The “Rocky sucks” chant continues throughout the match.  Shamrock in charge completely until Rock uses the tights to pull him to the outside.  Rock hits what will become The People’s Elbow for a two count.  Apparently Rock is at odds with the Nation at this point (I don’t remember the storyline).  Shamrock brings a chair into the ring and pushes the ref down.  Rock picks it up and WAILS on Shamrock’s head.  Wow… talk about a stiff chair shot.  Shamrock kicks out, no sells the shot and takes over.  WTF.  Shamrock “snaps” and hits a power slam and hooks in the ankle lock for the win.  Weak ending.  The Nation comes in and Shamrock takes them out.  Shamrock keeps going back to the ankle lock.  Farooq out to help Rock and then turns his back on him.  Officials into the ring and Shamrock “snaps” again suplexing all of them.  Stretcher out to help Rock to the back and the “Rocky sucks” chants continue.  Damn… this was a bad beating for the Rock.  The referee reverses the decision because Shamrock wouldn’t release the ankle lock.  Shamrock snaps again and goes after Rock knocking him off the stretcher.  They’re totally playing up the Crazy Ken / World’s Most Dangerous Man angle.  Question here… why in the FUCK would they reverse the decision for something that happened after the match?  Lame.

Dumpster Match For The WWF Tag Team Championship
Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie defeated The New Age Outlaws (c) (Billy Gunn and Road Dogg)
Oh you didn’t know?  Your ass better CALLLLLL somebody!  Out comes the Outlaws to one of my favorite themes of all time.  No DQ, no pins, no count outs.  To win you’ve got to put your opponents in the dumpster and close the top.  Think casket match with a garbage can.  This is a tough match to follow as there’s a ton going on both inside and out of the ring.  Mick Foley (Cactus Jack) goes for a dive on Road Dog and misses and hits the dumpster… ouch.  Terry Funk  (for those of you that don’t know that’s Chainsaw Charlie) back body dropped into the dumpster.  Good spot with Cactus and Charlie getting their heads slammed in the dumpster.  Cactus in the dumpster and works out with a double Mandible Claw spot.  Funk is amazing here and it’s even more obvious when Ross points out that he was a WrestleMania 2.  Finally we get in the ring and Cactus/Funk are in charge.  Cactus off the apron with an elbow drop on Billy.  Out comes a ladder and the ECW chants start.  Cactus and Gunn up on the ladder.  James whacks Funk in the head who proceeds to fall into the ladder and Jack/Gunn fall off the ladder into the dumpster.  Nice spot for sure.  Gunn then power bombs Funk into the dumpster off the apron.  The Outlaws take Cactus backstage and beat the hell out of him.  Mick makes a comeback with a chair and some DDTs.  Both Outlaws on a fork lift and they are deposited into another dumpster.  Cactus/Charlie close the lid for the win and the titles.  A clusterfuck to watch but rather entertaining.

The Undertaker defeated Kane (with Paul Bearer)
Good recap of Kane/Taker to this point.  Totally shows how “supernatural”‘ the WWF was back then (lightning, etc.)  Pete Rose out in a tux to be the guest ring announcer.  He’s playing the heel and says something to the effect of, “Last time I was here, we kicked your ass.”  Gay.  Here comes “hell fire and brimstone” (IE Kane) to give Pete a Tombstone.  Stretcher ride for Pete and Undertaker makes his way to the ring.  God DAMN does the man take forever to get to the ring.  Kane plays the bad ass early totally no selling everything Taker throws at him.  Remember that Kane at this point has been built into a MONSTER heel.  I do have to say that it does get a tad bit repetitive to be told their brothers again… and again… and again.  We go outside and Kane is really working over Taker with the ring steps.  Back in and Kane still in charge.  Choke slam and Kane picks him up rather than trying for the win (never a good idea).  Goes into a rest hold and Taker tries to fight back only to have Kane continually beat him down.  Taker knocks Kane outside and then proceeds to leap over the top rope onto Kane but goes right through the Spanish announce table.  Apparently (according to the announcers) Kane sidestepped him.  Looked to me like Taker fucked up.  Back in the ring, Taker goes into his Rope-a-dope cover up.  Taker manages to try for a Tombstone but Kane reverses it and hits it.  Undertaker kicks out and Kane is finally weakening a bit.  Taker hits a choke slam and calls for a Tombstone.  He hits it, crosses Kane’s hands over his chest and goes for a cover which Kane kicks out of.  WOW.  He hits a second Tombstone, crosses the hands and Kane kicks out again!  Awesome.  I totally don’t remember this.  Taker hits a HUGE clothesline and Kane no sells it and sits up.  Taker hits a 3rd Tombstone, hooks the leg and gets the win.  Paul Bearer in with a chair and beats on Taker.  Kane grabs the chair and wails on Taker.  Tombstone on the chair and Taker is left laying in the middle of the ring.  Good stuff here in the original “Brothers of Destruction” Mania match.

WWF Championship
Steve Austin defeated Shawn Michaels (c) (with Triple H and Chyna)
HUGE pop for the glass breaking on Austin’s entrance (which is my cell phone ring tone in case you care).  Love me some Rattlesnake.  Ross refers to HBK as “the greatest champion of all time”.  That may be a stretch, but you could probably put him in the conversation.  The DX band has been playing all night and this is one more chance for them to rock it out.  Early in the match, Michaels is doing the “jab and run” tactic which is clearly pissing Austin off.  When Austin finally catches him, we get the obligatory Michaels “moon the crowd” shot.  DX beats the hell out of Austin and eventually they’re barred from ringside.  HBK/Austin start battling outside the ring, on the band stage, the dumpster, etc.  Back in the ring and Austin takes over.  Good spot where Austin punches off the apron into the announce table.  Back outside and into the crowd.  Tyson to this point is remaining impartial.  Shawn nails Austin with the title belt and he flies into the first row.  Michaels really favoring his back at this point in his career (which is astounding as he kept wrestling YEARS after this).  HBK slows it down for a change and is in control.  He flicks off the crowd and Austin greets him with a Lou Thez press.  HBK regains the upper hand and works the knee of Austin.  Ross/King talk about Tyson and the officiating.  Ironically, Tyson has done nothing to this point other than throw Austin back in the ring one time.  Figure Four in the middle of the ring which is reversed (why does the reversal hurt?)  Austin catapults HBK into the corner and gets a near fall.  HBK follows up with a sleeper and we get a ref bump setting up Tyson’s involvement.  Austin back in charge and stomps a mud hole in Shawn.  HBK with a flying forearm and does his flip up.  He “tunes up the band” for the super kick but misses.  Austin tries for the Stunner but it’s blocked.  HBK goes for the kick again but Austin grabs his foot and hits the Stunner for the 1-2-3 by Tyson for the win.  Post match, HBK gets in Tyson’s face and slaps him.  Tyson levels him with one punch to send the crowd home happy.

General Thoughts

• WWF debuted one of the best promos I’ve ever seen at this show which I’ll refer to here as the “I’m not a real athlete” spot.  These were absolutely AWESOME and give me chills to this day.  If you’ve never seen it please check it out.
• Ross/King then mention the gross take of the event at one point.  I can’t ever remember hearing this before or since.  Weird.
• Whatever happened to Kane’s disfigurement?
• In addition to the “I’m not real” promo, the WWF busted out the “Oldtimers” promo as well.  Phenomenal.
• How the hell does HBK chew gum while he wrestles?
• Mike Tyson has the worst “DX chop” in history.

Event:

Still coming to you as the World Wrestling Federation.  Damn if I can’t remember when the switch came.  I could have sworn it was around this time.  We start off with a Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels promo and go right into the action – No America The Beautiful or National Anthem.

Camp Cornette (Vader, Owen Hart and The British Bulldog) (with Jim Cornette) defeated Yokozuna, Jake Roberts and Ahmed Johnson (with Mr. Fuji)
Jake Roberts looks REALLY out of place on his team.  The Sesame Street One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others song ran through my head when I saw it.  Yoko’s team is playing face here and we start off with all 6 guys in the ring with the baby faces getting the upper hand.  I can’t for the life of me remember what happened between Owen & Yoko.  The last WrestleMania they walked out as champs.  * Shrugs *  Apparently, if Yoko’s team wins, he gets 5 minutes alone in the ring with Jim Cornette.  We KNOW that’s not going to happen, so the outcome here is a foregone conclusion.  The Bulldog looks rather small here… must be off the roids at this point in his career.  Pretty standard 6-man stuff here which is to say rather boring.  Is Jake EVER going to tag into this match?  Yep… finally he lumbers in wearing his full body gear to hide his gut.  He promptly starts getting his ass handed to him.  Bulldog hits a power slam on Jake and he actually kicks out – WOW.  Jake kicks out of a Vader splash as well (what the hell?) and manages to make a tag to Yoko.  After a few minutes, Jake is inexplicably tagged back in and hits a DDT on Owen but Cornette comes in to break the count.  Vader bomb on Jake and it’s over.  Thank God.

Stone Cold Steve Austin (with Ted DiBiase) defeated Savio Vega
Stone Cold is the “Million Dollar Champion” here playing the heel in a match before he absolutely blew up (see WrestleMania 13).  Quick start to the match with a ton of punches and slaps.  Austin takes over with some good heel stuff from Austin.  Even here you can tell he’s definitely on his way.  Roddy Piper calls in on his cell phone (see Hollywood Backlot Brawl) and he and Vince talk over Austin/Vega for far too long.  Austin in full on methodical mode here keeping the upper hand.  We’re shown some footage of Piper following Goldust but it’s just recycled OJ footage… groan.  Meanwhile, Vega hits Austin with a huge kick and sends him down.  Quite a few pin attempts by both guys.  Austin goes to the top rope (huh?) and gets caught when Vega gets a boot up.  Vega works up some good momentum until he inadvertently kicks the ref.  Austin nails Vega with the Million Dollar belt and the slaps on the Million Dollar Dream.  DiBiase wakes up the ref who sees Austin with Vega in the hold in the middle of the ring.  Austin gets the win.  Decent match for a mid card (minus the crappy Piper/Goldust storyline).

The Ultimate Warrior defeated Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Sable)
HHH here in full blueblood getup escorted by Sable before she was Sable. The Warrior is returning to the WWF after an extended layoff and naturally has the same shtick as always: fly down to ring, shake the ropes, bandannas, etc.  HHH attacks from behind to start the match.  Whips Warrior to the ropes, boot to midsection and hits the Pedigree.  Warrior no sells it and stands straight up.  Clotheslines, shoulder block, gorilla press slam, splash and pin.  Squash win for the Warrior for his return match.  HHH must not have been fucking Stephanie at this point or he would never have been asked to do a job like this.  Looking back this was a pretty terrible “match” but at the time I remember absolutely loving it.

After the match, we get an interview with new Superstar Marc Mero.  Ahh, so THAT’s why Sable was on HHH’s arm.  For those of you that don’t know, Sable and Marc Mero were married at this point.  Right on cue, HHH busts in to interrupt the interview and Mero and he get into it.  We cut away from that to some more annoying Piper/Goldust footage.

The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer) defeated Diesel
Diesel is announced as being 7 feet tall.  Taker is dressed in the purple gear with black greasy hair.  This match contains some absolutely unbelievable moves from two big guys.  Cross body block by Taker followed up by the old school rope walk.  This is SUCH a better match than Taker/Gonzalez from WrestleMania IX it’s not even funny.  The crowd is totally behind Taker here but Diesel is in control for the majority of the match playing the heel quite nicely.  Taker makes a comeback and they go with some “big men mirror” moves such as the “same time punch/kick” spot.  Taker is up first and goes to the top and hits a big clothesline.  Quite literally out of nowhere, Diesel hits a Jackknife, taunts the Undertaker and then hits another.  More taunts and then after a minute finally goes for a pin attempt only to be grabbed by the neck.  Diesel pummels Taker back to the mat.  UT works his way back up and Diesel hits a nice looking side suplex (RIP Dino Bravo).  Undertaker works his way back and they’re slugging it out.  Taker hits a clothesline followed by a weak ass looking choke slam and a Tombstone for the win.  Good big man match as I’m a huge fan of Taker and have always enjoyed Nash in a heel role.

Hollywood Backlot Brawl
Roddy Piper defeated Goldust (with Marlena)
The coverage of this “match” actually begins after the first match of the night and continues throughout the entire show.  We’re given a nice recap which is good cause I really don’t remember the storyline at this point.  Piper is the acting president of the WWF and apparently Goldust has become enamored with him.  This “match” begins with Piper beating the hell out of Goldust’s Cadillac.  Um… OK.  Piper drags Goldust out of the car and beats the snot out of him for about 5 minutes.  Goldy gets a low blow, gets back in his car, hits Piper with the car and speeds away.  Piper jumps in a white Bronco (come on WWF, you can do better than that) and follows him.  [Insert Austin/Vega match]  After the Austin/Vega match, we’re shown some more OJ footage.  Vince actually says something to the effect of, “This looks familiar.”  No shit Vince.  Its one thing to try to be clever and show us OJ footage but it’s another thing to actually call it out on your own show.  More footage after the HHH/Warrior match and after Diesel/Taker we’re back with live footage.  Why in the hell would Goldust ever come back to the arena?  Naturally, they make their way to the ring.  Goldust takes over beating on Piper’s legs.  Goldust is SO gay at this point it’s completely over the top.  He rips of Piper’s shirt and chokes him with it.  Goldust is all over Piper and the kisses him (WTF) which sends Piper over the edge.  Piper grabs Goldust by the balls (yep… you read that right) and proceeds to knee him in the nuts, spank his ass, strip him down (Goldust is wearing lingerie) and kiss him back.  Jesus H Christ, I can’t believe I just had to write that sentence.  Another ball shot from Piper and Goldust leaves the ring.  So, I guess Piper’s the winner?  One thing’s for sure… we lose.  Some WWF writer is so homophobic it’s not even funny.  I know this was at the beginning of the “Attitude Era” but this was just way over the top and completely ridiculous.

Iron Man Match for the WWF Championship
Shawn Michaels (with Jose Lothario) defeated Bret Hart (c)
One of my Top 10 WrestleMania Matches of all time and it definitely holds up well.  We get a nice intro to the Iron Man Match and Gorilla Monsoon is introduced as the new President of the WWF.  This seems out of place, but is important later in the night.  Jose Lothario comes out to Shawn’s music but he’s by himself.  He takes a couple of steps, stops and points to the rafters.  At this point, we see Shawn on a zipline and he takes the ride we’ve seen in every WWE promo since.  In Vince’s words, “Ahhh, what a ride!!!”  Shawn showboats for a while and then it’s time for the Hitman to make his entrance.  Interesting to see Shawn clapping for Bret as he makes his way down.  We get an old school knee pad check and instructions.  Per Earl Hebner this is an “Arn Man Match” and we’ll be “Rasslin for 60 minutes”.  Bret kisses the belt, gives his shades to his son and we’re off and running.  The crowd is pretty dead early on but I’m not sure I’d be all that psyched at the start of a match that I knew would be 60 minutes.  Speaking of the crowd, they’re definitely behind Shawn in this one.  King and Vince keep referring to the importance of the “first decision”.  Bret goes into a headlock spot for a good couple of minutes.  There are some very good “wrestling” sequences in here.  You totally expect that sort of thing from Hart but not necessarily from Michaels.  Very impressive.  King and Vince keep referring to Shawn’s “Mexican” moves – shows just how far wrestling has come since 96.  At the 45 minute mark, Bret finds himself sitting on the outside in the timekeeper’s lap (don’t ask).  HBK goes for a super kick, Bret moves and the timekeeper takes the kick right to the face – nice spot.  The stretcher is brought out for this poor dude and we’re back to a rest hold in the ring.  This spot was clearly there to show the “power” of Shawn’s super kick.  Back in the ring, some very good storytelling going on here with HBK continuing to work on Bret’s shoulder.  Shawn in control mid match with a ton of great back and forth action throughout.  Absolutely amazing that these guys aren’t just gassed by the end of this thing (or halfway through for that matter).  Huge props to both guys for the effort level. HBK goes over the corner turnbuckle to the outside in an amazing spot that allows Bret to take over and work on the back at about the 20 minute remaining mark.  Bret’s in charge big time and with about 13 minutes remaining King and Vince first mention the fact that one fall might win this thing.  Classic double clothesline spot with 7:30 remaining and Shawn manages to make a comeback at the 4 minute mark. The last 3 minutes of this match are absolutely unbelievable with a TON of near falls with Shawn really pouring it on trying to get the victory.  With 34 seconds remaining on the clock, Shawn goes off the top ropes but Bret catches him and locks him in the Sharpshooter.  Time expires with Shawn in the hold but he never gives up.  The ref gives the belt to Bret and he leaves the ring.  Gorilla (remember, the new President) gets in the ring and announces that the match must continue in sudden death until we have a winner.  Bret’s all kinds of pissed off (rightfully so in my opinion) but he’s back in the ring going to town on Shawn’s back.  HBK whipped into the corner, leap frogs Bret and hits Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere but is too injured to capitalize and get the pin.  He hits Hart with another and gets the pin clean in the middle of the ring for the title.  Historic match that every fan needs to see with an amazing climax to regulation and overtime.

General Thoughts

• There was a Free For All match between The Bodydonnas (with Sunny) and The Godwinns (with Hillbilly Jim) for the vacant WWF Tag Team Championship.  The Bodydonnas won both the match and the award for better looking valet   Kind of shocked that a title match was put on a Free For All but I’m not going to complain cause couldn’t care less about either team.
• One word: Marlena.  Damn.
• The Hollywood Backlot Brawl is an interesting idea, but they way they have it interspersed within the entire show gets really annoying. The fact that WWF went with OJ chase footage is in poor taste even for them.
• Shawn was a legitimate dick at this point in his career (self admitted).  If you read his lips after he’s won the title and is being presented with the belt, he says something to the effect of, “Get him out of my ring” referring to Hart.  If my memory serves me correctly, Hart recounts this in his book.
• With only 6 matches on the card including a 60 minute match to end I thought this would be a slow show to watch – to its credit it’s not.

Event:

The opening montage talks about the special guest stars that will be in attendance at the event including Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, etc.  Looking like the WWF is starting to REALLY branch out into “sports entertainment” at this point.  We get a Special Olympian’s rendition of America The Beautiful.  She’s over singing BIG time complete with the waggle in her voice.  I don’t care if she’s “special” – she sucks.

The Allied Powers (Lex Luger and The British Bulldog) defeated The Blu Brothers (Jacob and Eli) (with Uncle Zebekiah)
The Blu twins look like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds.  Great character in a movie… not a great gimmick for a wrestler in my opinion.  Then again, I never was a big Hillbilly Jim fan either so I’m not a big fan of the whole “mountain man” thing.  Luger and Bulldog in charge early allowing Bulldog to show off with a HUGE suplex on one of the twins.  Cause they look alike, the twins pull the whole “change with no tag” spot.  Come on guys… leave that to the Killer Bees.  Hot tag to Luger who hits a lame looking power slam.  He then hits a flying forearm with no mention of the plate in his arm.  Guess that’s only for when he’s a heel.  The twins pull the no-tag switch again so he’s able to kick out of the loaded forearm.  One of the twins go for a pile driver on Luger and Bulldog comes off the top for a sunset flip and the win.  Bulldog and Luger pose after the match with music and lighting.  So so to kick off the show.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Razor Ramon (with The 1-2-3 Kid) defeated Jeff Jarrett (c) (with The Roadie) by disqualification
We get a promo of Razor and Kid backstage… Christ, these guys have been together forever! Good recap of how JJ won the title which is good cause I had no idea – interference by the Roadie in case you were wondering. Razor is in charge early with JJ playing the heel to perfection. Razor whips JJ into the corner and totally fucks up – he’s working moves that just aren’t there. Hilarious. Razor goes for his finisher and Roadie pulls JJ out to save him. As I watched this I realized that I’ve never been a big fan of “outside interference” matches. Let the guys wrestle… tell the story in the ring. I don’t mind a little bit, but when the crux of the story is outside the ring it gets to be a bit much for my liking. On top of it all, this is a very sloppy match. We then go into a portion of the match where both guys keep hitting moves on the same time and both keep going down (same time punch, etc.). JJ hooks the figure four in the middle of the ring. Razor has JJ up for the Razor’s Edge once again and Roadies comes in to cause a DQ. Cluster fuck after the match with Roadie, Kid and referees. Ehhh..

The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer) defeated King Kong Bundy (with Ted DiBiase)
Bundy vs. Taker for the urn??? I’ve never liked that prop even though Taker is my favorite wrestler of all time. Absolutely love the purple outfit that Taker’s in here. For some odd reason we get an American League baseball umpire as the referee in this match. Doing some Wiki searching I realize that baseball was actually on strike during this time (ironically, the strike ended the day of this event). About a minute or so in, Taker walks out and grabs the urn from DiBiase. Ted then calls Kama out to ringside and he grabs it back and takes off… um, OK. He says he’s going to melt it and make a chain out of it. Remember, this is pre-Ho Train Kama/Godfather here so now we know where he got some of his bling. Bundy is in charge with some rest holds until he hits an Avalanche and the Undertaker stands straight up completely no selling it. Big slam on Bundy (was he going to try for a Tombstone?) and Taker adds to the streak.

WWF Tag Team Championship
Owen Hart and Yokozuna (with Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette) defeated The Smoking Gunns (c) (Billy and Bart)
Yoko is a surprise as they interview the Gunns. Right off the bat you know they’re gonna lose the titles. Yoko is absolutely HUGE. I’ve always been impressed with the way Yoko moves for such a big man. Pretty typical stuff here with some good double team stuff thrown in by the Gunns. Vince starts to talk about how the Smoking Gunns have been having issues with Men On A Mission. Are we going to see them do a run in? Billy’s playing the face in peril here and finally works for a hot tag to Bart. Gunns go for a double team but Yoko gets a belly to BIG belly on Billy. He then follows that up with the Banzai Drop. Bart breaks up the tag, but Owen gets tagged in and makes the cover for the win and the straps. Outcome was obvious as soon as Yokozuna was announced as the partner.

“I Quit” Match
Bret Hart defeated Bob Backlund
Can someone please tell me why Bob Backlund is in this high profile of a match this late in his career? He’s got the charisma of a folding chair. Piper’s the special guest referee and quite honestly is completely annoying. He grabs the mic every two seconds when someone’s in a hold asking them if they give up. Hart gets a figure four on and is totally in charge early. Both Hart and Backlund do a good job telling the story here as Hart’s working on Backlund’s leg and Backlund’s working on Hart’s arm. I’ll say it again… I know it’s a submission match, but Piper needs to shut the fuck up. Bret whips Bob into the corner and follows him in getting posted on his shoulder. This sets up Backlund to go for his finisher the Cross Face Chicken Wing. Bret reverses the hold and beats Backlund with his own move though in all honesty Backlund never said “I Quit”. More of a “Arggghhshshshdhg” type sound. Good match here that from a historical perspective is a great precursor to the Hart/Austin match at WrestleMania 13.

WWF Championship
Diesel (c) (with Pamela Anderson) defeated Shawn Michaels (with Sid and Jenny McCarthy)
HBK accompanied to the ring by Jenny McCarthy. Wow. Have to say that I absolutely love the HBK mullet here as it’s in full effect. Diesel comes out and the motions to the back. Here comes Pam who’s been missing all evening and was supposed to come out with Shawn. I remember this match specifically because it showed me what a great worker Shawn is with any size opponent. He takes some AMAZING bumps including a huge back body drop. At one point, he’s tossed over the top and lands on a photographer and get legitimately pissed at the guy. Pretty funny to see wrestlers break character like that. Shawn’s great at carrying the big men and it never ceases to amaze me how FAST he is in the ring. Some good stuff with Shawn attacking Diesel outside the ring here. Shawn’s in charge for a good few minutes mid match. Shawn hits the elbow off the top to Diesel’s ribs and follows that up with a sleeper that puts Diesel down for quite a while. Diesel works out and mounts some offense. I know HBK is the “Boy Toy” and all, but must he ALWAYS show his ass? The official is out of position at one point (twisted ankle) and Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music but doesn’t have a ref to get the cover. Shawn goes up to the 2nd rope and Diesel catches him in a sidewalk slam. Diesel hits the Jackknife (though a terrible one) for the win and retains the title. Good match that should have been the main event. Diesel leaves with both Pam and Jenny on his arm. I have absolutely no desire to watch Bam Bam and L.T. at this point.

Lawrence Taylor defeated Bam Bam Bigelow (with Ted DiBiase)
Money Inc. and the All Pro Team are introduced. They star jawing pre-match though we KNOW that there’s no way in hell L.T. is going to lose this match. This was such a bad idea from the get go it’s not even funny. What DID Bam Bam do to deserve this? I’d love to see a celebrity actually lose one of these matches… has that ever happened? In any case… Taylor hits Bam Bam with a HUGE forearm to start the match and follows up with a clothesline over the top. I’ll give him credit – L.T. is really taking it to Bam Bam early on. Bam Bam takes over and we get a bunch of forearms and head butts from both guys. Taylor is just terrible and unfortunately Bam Bam isn’t good enough to carry him (though I’m not sure anyone would have been). Bigelow slaps on a Boston Crab and Taylor works his way out. Bam Bam goes up and hits a splash moonsault off the top. He goes for a cover and rolls off after a 1 count. Apparently he’s “hurt his knee”. Taylor hits a “Jackknife” because apparently he’s been training with Diesel and gets a 2 count. Bam Bam works back into it and manages to hit his patented head butt off the top rope and Taylor kicks out. L.T. gets a 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th) wind and hits Bigelow with 2 forearms and the follows that up with a flying forearm off the second rope for the win. After the match L.T. looks like he’s injured himself. Absolutely awful way to end the show.

General Thoughts

• They’re having a ton of technical difficulties throughout the show.  What the hell guys… it’s not like this is your Super Bowl or anything.  Guessing someone lost a job over it.
• Nicholas Turturro is in Pam Anderson’s dressing room with Jenny McCarthy.  DAMN is she hot.
• The “celebrities” of this event are incredibly weak.  We’re getting back stage interviews with L.T.’s All Pro team calling out wrestlers and Bob Backlund playing chess with the kid from Tool Time.  Ouch.
• Bam Bam gives an interview part way through the show saying that he won’t be known as the man who lost to L.T.  Um… yeah you will.  I feel bad for you Bam Bam.  You deserved better.

Event:

This show was billed as having a “double main event” which rarely (if ever) works out.  I believe that this is the first Mania event that I watched live on PPV.  We get Gorilla and Bobby Heenan on the mic here which is a good lineup.  Reba McEntire sings the national anthem.  It seems weird that the WWF can never make up its mind.  National anthem or America The Beautiful?

Shawn Michaels (with Sensational Sherri) defeated El Matador
Tito’s gone “El Matador” on us which is just so sad.  Shawn is heel at this point and really coming into his own as a singles wrestler (even though he’s leading off this card against an aging Tito).  Tito in charge early and sends HBK to the outside.  He yanks him back in and goes directly into a side headlock (rest) that lasts WAY too long.  Come on guys… you can’t be gassed yet can you?  Small package?  Side headlock.  Whip to ropes hop over?  Side headlock.  Shawn gains the upperhand when Tito goes to the ropes and Shawn sidesteps him and throws him over the top.  HBK is sporting a beautifully fluffed mullet at this point.  Very slow match.  HBK hits his super kick which is not yet named “Sweet Chin Music” but rather the more mundane “crescent kick”.  He goes for his side suplex finisher but Tito catches him with a forearm and follows up with his flying forearm and sends Shawn to the outside.  Tito brings him back and and Shawn scores a pin out of nowhere for the win.  No replay on that one.  Pretty weak match.

Before the next match we get an interview the Legion of Doom and Paul Ellering.  “We’re the best blah blah blah”, “We’re not here to mess around blah blah blah”.  “Ooooo, what a rush…”

The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer) defeated Jake Roberts
Pre-match we get a Sean Mooney interview with Jake where he’s talking about how Jack Tunny says that he can’t bring a snake to the ring.  After that we get a nice recap package of this feud.  Undertaker is a face by the point but is still doing the very methodical/plodding thing in the ring.  Jake is doing the quick strike approach keeping his distance in the ring.  Jake hits a clothesline which sends Taker over the top 360 style but he lands on his feet.  Back in the ring, Jake continues with the upper hand until Undertaker takes over with some blatant  choke holds.  Taker breaks out the heavy artillery and hits some big moves (elbows, clotheslines, etc.)  Jake hits the DDT out of nowhere and Taker sits right up.  Jake plants him HARD with a second one and Taker stays down.  Instead of going for the win, Jake goes outside and grabs Paul.  This of course allows Taker time to grab Jake on the outside and hit the Tombstone on the concrete.  He rolls Jake in and covers him for the win.  Once again we get no recaps here.  Pretty slow match, but great for vintage Undertaker fans out there.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Bret Hart defeated Roddy Piper (c)
One of my Top WrestleMania Matches of all time and watching it again reaffirms that it was a good choice to be put on the list.  Before the match we get an interview with both champ and challenger at the same time.  Once we get in the ring we get right to it with a slew of arm drags.  Bret uses some leverage and tosses Roddy to the outside.  He gets pissed and proceeds to spit on Bret.  Strength test followed by a great spot where Bret grabs onto Roddy’s arm and won’t let go for like two minutes.  Hitman then “hurts his shoulder” and when Piper gets close enough he goes for a small package in the center of the ring… nice.  Piper hits a bulldog on Hart and Bret blades.  Not the best blade job of his career but it gets the job done and he’s bleeding like a stuck pig.  Roddy’s in control until we get a classic double clothesline.  Piper goes to the top (WTF???) and Bret catches him and turns it into his “5 Moves Of Death” -  inverted atomic drop, suplex, Russian leg sweep, neck breaker and back breaker but can’t get the Sharpshooter on.  A while later we get a ref bump.  Piper grabs the bell and does the “good guy” thing and decides not to use it.  He slaps a sleeper on Bret and Bret uses the turnbuckle to flip over.  Piper doesn’t release the hold and gets pinned.  Piper presents the belt to Hitman and they hug it out.  Outstanding match.

Next up we get an interview with Lex Luger sitting at home pimping the World Bodybuilding Federation.  He drinks a milkshake.  If that sounds pretty pathetic and boring it’s cause it is.

The Big Boss Man, Virgil, Sgt. Slaughter, and Jim Duggan defeated The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags), Repo Man, and The Mountie (with Jimmy Hart)
Before this match gets started, we get interviews with the participants.  The interviews include so many wrestling cliches it’s not even funny.  Actually, it is kind of funny.  Ray Combs (of Family Feud fame) is announcing and trying to be clever.  I’ve just got to say… an 8 man?  Really?  Did I stumble into Survivor Series?  Pretty standard 8 man match here and nothing really noteworthy.  The end comes when Big Boss Man catches Mountie off the second rope and slams him.  A melee  ensues.  One Nasty Boy holds Virgil while the other winds up to hit him.  Naturally, Virgil ducks and one Nasty knocks the other out.  Good guys win.  Recommendation?  Fast forward.

WWF Championship
Randy Savage (with Miss Elizabeth) defeated Ric Flair (c) (with Mr. Perfect)
Flair out first.  I’ll say it again, the champ should ALWAYS come out last.  Randy’s jogging to the ring.  When the hell did he get un-retired?  No Liz by his side.  Savage comes out on fire and takes control.  Bobby is going crazy but this lasts only until Savage gets back dropped to the outside.  Flair takes over with typical moves – chops, suplex, etc.  Savage getting his ass kicked for a good 8-9 minutes.  Ric going very slow and cocky… classic Flair.  Strut, beat, strut, beat.  Savage finally comes out of a corner and mounts some offense.  Flair goes up to the top (never a good sign) and naturally gets caught/slammed.  Double axe handle off the top to the outside from Savage.  “Flair flop” on the outside after getting rammed on the post.  Flair blades bad and is busted open.  Not sure where I read it, but Flair was fined quite a bit for this move as this was during a “no blood” period of the WWF.  Savage nails the elbow but Perfect stops the count.  Perfect then gives Flair a foreign object who proceeds to drill Savage with it.  Flair is REALLY bloody here.  We get a good spot with Flair sinking in the figure four on Savage and he’s got to really work to get out.  Out of nowhere, Savage goes for a rollover, pulls the trunks and gets the win and the title.  Post match, Flair kisses Liz (who’d made her way to ringside during the match) and she slaps him.  Classic Flair/Savage interviews post match in the dressing room.  Good stuff.  This is the version of Flair that I love (a cocky heel) and also my favorite version of the Macho Man (a little bit crazy).

Tatanka defeated Rick Martel
Christ.  Tatanka comes to the ring with some dancing indians.  This is worse than the opening to the Olympic games.  Bobby Heenan and Gorilla continue to talk about the Savage/Flair match WELL into this one (which tells you what you need to know about this match).  Martel playing the heel and Bobby Heenan being so un-PC it’s hilarious.  “Hey how are ya, hey how are ya.”.  Wow.  Model goes up and gets crotched on the top.  Tatanka hits a cross body out of nowhere for the win.  Lame.

WWF Tag Team Championship
The Natural Disasters (Earthquake and Typhoon) defeated Money Inc. (Ted DiBiase and Irwin R. Schyster) (c) (with Jimmy Hart) by countout
Earthquake now has a clone named Tugboat… ugh.  If you’ve been reading these recaps you know that I’m not a big fan of Earthquake, so you can imagine how much I’d like ANOTHER fat dude that can’t wrestle.  DiBiase and Schyster are good wrestlers, but even they can’t carry the Disasters along through this sloppy match.  Earthquake goes for his “balls to the face” finisher but Jimmy Hart sneaks in and pulls IRS out.  The champs walk out of the arena to get counted out.

Owen Hart defeated Skinner
Owen does a back flip into the ring and Skinner spits in his face to start the match.  After only a minute or so, Owen goes for a sunset flip and it’s over.  I simply do not understand why matches like this are on a WrestleMania card.  Save this shit for the Saturday morning shows or Raw.  I love Owen, but stuff like this is a complete waste of time and does nothing except piss off the fans.

Hulk Hogan defeated Sid Justice (with Harvey Wippleman) by disqualification
Pre-match we get an interview with Hogan and Vince where Hogan is asked if this is his “last match”.  In retrospect this is just laughable.  Sid does an interview complete with his “rule the world” bit which always kind of bored me.  “Real American” hits and the crowd goes wild.  Sid attacks before the bell rings and Hogan fights him off while the music continues to play.  The crowd is fucking HOT right now.  After a great opening this match slows down considerably.  Lots of time on the outside of the ring for Sid.  Back in we get a test of strength which is nothing more than a rest hold.  Sid hits a choke slam out of nowhere and then proceeds to talk to the camera rather than going for a pin.  When he returns, he goes straight into another rest hold (the shoulder pinch of doom) and Hogan’s hand falls twice.  Hogan powers out and Side regains control with a side suplex and shortly thereafter hits his power bomb finisher.  The power bomb actually looked pretty good.  I don’t remember Hogan taking that many big moves.  Hogan kicks out and “Hulks Up” hitting the boot, body slam and the big leg drop.  Sid kicks out!  Very happy to see this as that damn move always put people out.  I remember watching this not knowing what the hell was going to happen now.  Wippelman in and causes the DQ.  Papa Shango (WTF) comes out and starts beating on Hogan with Sid.  Hogan’s tied in the ropes and the Warrior’s music hits!  Warrior flies to the ring and clears house.  He and Hogan pose down to end the show.

General Thoughts

• In a dark match, the Bushwackers defeated The Beverly Brothers.  Thank God for dark matches.
• Apparently there was a match scheduled between The British Bulldog and The Berzerker which had to be scrapped due to time constraints.  Not really sure why as the match times only run just over an hour and a half.
• Heenan says, “I’m Indiana’s favorite Bobby.”  Absolutely hilarious seeing as this is prime time Bobby Knight country and point in his career.
• Heenan is now known as a “broadcast journalist” – a title which would follow him for quite a few years.
• Saw a couple of Horsemen banners in the crowd.  I still wish the WWF would/could have brought that stable in.  Woo!
• Warrior looked much smaller than when he left the WWF.  This no doubt fueled the rumors that this was a “new” Ultimate Warrior and that the original had died.

Event:

At WrestleMania VI, it was announced that this event would be held at the LA Memorial Coliseum.  Between WM VI and now, the venue was changed to the Sports Arena.  According to the WWF at the time, this was due to some death threats that Slaughter had received.  Other reports say it was due to slow ticket sales.  Personally I’m of the opinion that it was the latter.  WrestleMania VI had over 67,000 people in attendance and here we’ve got just over 16,000.  Hmm.  During the intro, Hulk Hogan is now officially referred to as “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan.  In addition to the sudden venue change, this is also the first WM where Jesse Ventura is not part of the lineup which is a real bummer.  We get an a cappella performance by Willie Nelson before we get things started.

The Rockers (Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty) defeated The Barbarian and Haku (with Bobby Heenan)
If you can get past the fact that Hacksaw Jim Duggan is on the mic (which is REALLY difficult to do) and it’s a little long, this is a decent opener for the event.  The Rockers are “tag team specialists” so you’ve got to think they’re going to win this one right off the bat.  They do their little double elbow drop gimmick and run directly into a huge double clothesline by the Barbarian.  Jennetty plays face in peril and gets a massive slingshot over the top rope.  Just a reminder… Hacksaw sucks on the mic (as if that’s any surprise).  Marty goes for a cross body and gets power slammed for his efforts.  He finally gets a hot tag to Michaels who cleans house.  Jannetty gets back into the action with a drop kick off the top which Shawn follows up with a cross body off the top for the win.  Long match (10 minutes +) for an opener but a good way to start the show.

Regis, Marla Maples and Alex Trebek.  Come on WWF, can’t you do better than this for your “celebrities”?

The Texas Tornado defeated Dino Bravo (with Jimmy Hart)
Next up is Dino Bravo against the Ultimate Warrior without face paint… er, I mean Texas Tornado.  Bravo attacks before the bell and takes the upper hand before we even get started.  Tornado takes over and goes for the claw early in the match up.   Bravo regains the advantage after getting a knee up on a charging Tornado.  Bravo hits his side suplex finisher but Tornado kicks out.  Hey Bravo… your finisher didn’t work.  You’re fucked.  Dino follows that up with the worst chop ever off the 2nd rope.  He goes for it again but is caught in Tornado’s claw which is quickly followed with a “Spinning Tornado” for the victory.  I’ve never been a big fan of either of these guys so it was thankfully a pretty quick match.  I do have to say that it does suck to watch two dead guys wrestle though.  RIP fellas.

The British Bulldog defeated The Warlord (with Slick)
Pre-match interview with The Warlord (wearing some crappy Legion Of Doom gear and a Hannibal Lecter mask) and Slick.  Slick is an absolutely pathetic character and only goes to show what the WWF was able to get away with in those days.  WOW.  The Warlord talks about how no wrestler has escaped his full nelson so we can pretty much assume that we’ll see that spot sometime during the match.  In the ring we get to see these guys go at it and god DAMN are they big.  We get a couple of chest bumps and finally Warlord goes down.  Bulldog goes for a crucifix and gets slammed hard.   This is a pretty typical “big man” match but Bulldog is definitely leading the way.  He always did move great even for a big guy.  By comparison, this is much better than the WrestleMania XX match between Goldberg and Lesnar (which I was in attendance for).  Bulldog is on the short end of the stick for most of this match and then takes control with a very impressive standing dropkick.  He goes for a piledriver which gets reversed and Warlord gets the full nelson but doesn’t lock the fingers.  As predicted, Bulldog breaks the hold and gets Warlord up for a HUGE running power slam and the win.  Good match.

WWF Tag Team Championship
The Nasty Boys (Brian Knobbs and Jerry Sags) (with Jimmy Hart) defeated The Hart Foundation (Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart) (c)
We get a pre-match interview with the Nastys who proceed to make a “stink and pink” reference.  Wow… talk about  a “shocking” display of guts to get off that blast on a live PPV.  We start out with some good back-and-forth action in the early going.  The Hart Foundation is simply not going for the pin and even Heenan points it out.  Bret get overwhelmed and plays face in peril for a while.  Actually that’s kind of an understatement… he’s getting his ass handed to him for a while.  Jimmy’s megaphone gets tossed into the ring and one Nasty hits the other by mistake.  The Foundation takes over and hits their finisher on Knobbs.  Jimmy then throws in his helmet (not sure why he was wearing it other than to have an excuse to have a foreign object at ringside) and Saggs blasts Anvil with it.  Knobbs rolls over and gets the pin and the titles.  Nice match with a great heel-ish ending.

Blindfold Match
Jake Roberts defeated Rick Martel
From the recap, we’re told that Jake has been “blinded” when Martel shot him in the eye with his cologne “Arrogance”.  I remember this storyline like it was yesterday as it played out over a couple of weeks on Superstars.  As we head into this blindfold match I can’t imagine that they can’t see under these hoods.  I’m guessing its essentially  a see-through mesh type bag.  In any case, once the match gets going it’s like 2 minutes before they even touch one another as they’re just playing to the crowd pointing at one another.  Kind of funny as the crowd always points Martel in the wrong direction.  Hilarious.  Martel whips Jake to the ropes and goes for a backdrop which is hysterical to watch.  Other than that kind of stuff, this starts out REALLY slow.  I think I’m going to start my own “bo-ring” chant.  Martel finally catches up to Jake and body slams him and then follows up with an elbow drop, which of course Jake has moved out of the way of.  Not sure how many times they’ll go for the “Oops, I missed cause I’m blindfolded” spot but I’m guessing this wasn’t the last time.  The crowd is really into this one and I’m not sure why.  They start up a “DDT” chant which we just know is coming.  They go out of the ring (?) and Martel grabs a chair which he proceeds to blast the ring post with.  Per my previous point there’s no way they’d be out there swinging shit around if they really couldn’t see anything.  Back in the ring, Martel hits a back breaker and goes for his Boston crab which Jake finally breaks.  Once again they stumble around the ring until they are back to back in the middle and Jake nails the DDT for the win.  Other than the last 2 minutes or so this is a total snooze fest.  Feel free to skip.

The Undertaker (with Paul Bearer) defeated Jimmy Snuka
And “The Streak” begins.  Snuka is out in leopard skin underwear… Christ.  Taker is in control from the get go but misses an elbow after a couple of minutes which allows Snuka his first bit of offense.  Snuka goes for a cross body and totally misses.  Superfly slingshots back in from the outside and Taker catches him and goes right into the Tombstone for the victory.  Snuka is essentially a jobber here.  This should have been saved for a Saturday morning show though I’m guessing the WWF wanted to show Undertaker as a bad ass kicking the crap out of a “superstar” albeit an old one.

Retirement Match
The Ultimate Warrior defeated Randy Savage (with Sensational Queen Sherri)
Career vs. career matches are never quite what they’re cracked up to be as most wrestlers never actually “retire” (See Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Roddy Piper, etc.)  That being said, this one was a great match from beginning to end.  We see Miss Elizabeth in the crowd and Warrior walks to the ring rather than dashing in as he’s known to do.  This really gives an “important” vibe to this match though it does look like he’s wearing a shredded garbage bag to the ring.  Warrior takes control from the beginning but he’s not wresting his type of match.  Savage goes for a cross body off the top and Warrior catches him, puts him down and slaps him… nice spot.  Sherri keeps getting involved until Warrior gets pissed and shoves her down.  There’s a TON of outside the ring action going on here and this really should be a no DQ match.  Not sure it was a botched spot or what, but at one point Warrior does his crisscross like 5 times and then essentially does a face plant cause he’s nowhere near Savage.  Not sure who, but someone fucked up.  We get a classic double clothes line spot and both guys are gassed.  Warrior gets a small package but the ref is out of position.  We follow this up with a ref bump and Sherri comes in to pound on Warrior but his Savage by mistake (shoe).  Savage manages to make a comeback and hits his patented clothesline  over the top and sets up Warrior for the big elbow.  Nails it not once, not twice, but 5 TIMES!  Warrior inexplicably kicks out and if you didn’t by this point you know that Savage’s “career” is done.  Warrior starts shaking the ropes and “Hulks Up” hitting clothesline after clothesline on Savage.  He hits the gorilla press slam on Savage but Savage kicks out as well.  Wow.  Warrior then starts talking to “The Gods” and starts to leave the ring.  Savage goes to the top and plans to go to the outside on top of Warrior but misses and hits the guardrail.  Another crisscross from Warrior followed by the shoulder block knocks Savage out of the ring.  Warrior dumps him back in and hits him with the same move twice more finally ending the match by putting his foot on Savage’s chest for the pin.  Absolutely outstanding match.  May have to revisit my Top 10 WrestleMania Matches and put this one on there… wow.  In retrospect, it’s kind of ironic that the Warrior won this career match and he’s essentially done with the WWF at this point.  Savage lost here and he had another decade (or 2) in the biz.  Post-match, Sherri beats down Macho and Liz comes to his rescue jumping the barricade.  Hug/love fest with Savage and Liz and there are literally people crying ringside (hey folks… this is scripted).

After the brilliant Savage/Warrior match, we follow that up with some super gay backstage stuff.  Regis is getting fitted for a casket by Taker, Trebek talks to Demolition, back to Regis with Tenryu/Kitao who don’t speak a lick of English and then back to Trebek talking with Jake & Damien.  Complete waste of time.

Tenryu and Kitao defeated Demolition (Crush and Smash) (with Mr. Fuji)
Tenryu and Kitao were on loan from another promotion so you know they’re not going to lose here which sucks cause I was a huge Demolition fan.  Asian guy #2 hits a crappy looking power bomb for the win.  Piped in crowd noise when they’re leaving the ring.  Terrible match.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
The Big Boss Man defeated Mr. Perfect (c) (with Bobby Heenan) by disqualification
Pre-match, Boss Man is bitching about how his momma’s feelings were hurt.  Come on… are we really resorting to mom jokes?  For some reason, Lord Alfred Hayes is back – worst on air WWF talent ever and that’s saying a lot.  Boss Man takes over from the beginning and crowd loving it.  Hayes and Gorilla talk about the whole Savage/Liz ending from the previous match and Alfred says it’s the most touching thing he’s seen… ever.  Um, OK.  Perfect takes over and plays the heel to perfection (excuse the pun).  God damn was he great.  His hold-the-guy-and-summer-salt-over-him-neck-snap was always one of my favorites.  A while later, Boss Man is back in control until he makes the mistake of turning his attention to Heenan.  Perfect naturally attacks from behind.  Andre The Giant (?) comes down to ringside and grabs the belt.  Perfect tries to grab it, but Andre lays out Perfect but Boss Man can’t capitalize.  Haku and the Barbarian come down and cause a DQ finish.  I remember being pissed at this outcome cause I always wanted to see Boss Man win a title.  Watching this match now I can’t help but marvel at how great Henning was.  The story here was garbage as I hate non-finishes especially at a PPV.

Next we get an Mean Gene interview with Donald Trump and Chuck Norris in the stands.  Henry Winkler is sitting right there and Gene totally blows him off until he’s ready to talk to him.  Hilarious.

Earthquake (with Jimmy Hart) defeated Greg Valentine
Blubberquake and Valentine.  Why does Earthquake flex… ever?  Total squash match here (no pun intended).  Wonder who Hammer pissed off to be in this position?

The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal) defeated Power and Glory (Paul Roma and Hercules) (with Slick)
The first appearance for the LOD in a WrestleMania event.  Couple of decent spots with Hawk hitting a double clothesline and Animal catching Roma off the top into a nasty looking power slam.  LOD hits the Doomsday Device and it’s over.  Essentially another squash.  I’m not a big fan of tag wrestling and this was only so so.   If you’re looking for a tag match to watch on this card definitely go with the Rockers opener.

Virgil (with Roddy Piper) defeated Ted DiBiase by countout
For the life of me, I can’t remember how Piper go inserted into this feud so I can’t tell you why in God’s name he’s with Virgil.  Million Dollar Man looking stupid at the get go with Virgil taking control.  Props to DiBiase for making himself look so bad and Virgil so good.  Crowd totally not into it and it sounds like a bingo hall.   No that isn’t a reference to ECW… it actually sounds like a bingo hall.  Not sure if it’s the bad attendance or bad acoustics in the building.  DiBiase takes over with a piledriver and goes methodical heel on Virgil really slowing the pace.  On the outside, DiBiase blasts Piper who’s on crutches for this bout.  Piper uses the crutch to bring DiBiase over the top rope where he subsequently gets counted out.  This is back in the day where people gave a shit about a count out win, so Virgil celebrates like he just gave birth.  DiBiase gets the Million Dollar Dream after the match and Piper blasts him with the crutch to make the save.  Sensational Sherri comes down to help out DiBiase and they give a bad beat down to Piper’s bad leg.  DiBiase is playing ruthless heel here… more so than I remember.  I’ve always thought of him as that Ric Flair type villain where he’ll cheat to win but have never thought of him as a really brutal heel.  This seems out of character but I might just be remember wrong.  Virgil and Piper have a “hug it out bitch” moment after the match.

After this, we get a nice little recap of the Hogan/Slaughter match up.  No matter how many times I hear it, “Pukeamaniacs” is still funny.

The Mountie (with Jimmy Hart) defeated Tito Santana
Whip to the ropes with the first move of the match.  Leapfrog and Tito hits the flying forearm.  Noggin knocker on the outside on Mountie and Hart.  Mountie hits Tito with the cattle prod and the match is over in less than 2 minutes.  Poor Tito.  I wish I knew what he did to become a jobber.  He deserves better.

WWF Championship
Hulk Hogan defeated Sgt. Slaughter (c) (with General Adnan)
Typical Hogan interview beforehand.  Once again the “F” is beeped out when he references WWF on this version of the DVD.  More recap/footage of Slaughter and Hogan.  There’s a shot in here where Slaughter has Hogan in the camel clutch and Adnan is showing the title belt to Hogan.  One problem… he’s got the belt upside down.  Hogan proceeds to rip off his shirt during the interview.  Slaughter is introduced first into the ring which always pisses me off.  Even if they’re a heel, the champ should come to the ring second.  Always.  Hogan’s “Real American” hits and he’s got himself a new shirt for his entrance.  He’s officially announced as “The Immortal” Hulk Hogan which is kind of gay if you ask me.  Seeing Hogan here one specific movie quote came to mind: “Jesus… didn’t that guy ever have hair?”  Lock up early and Hogan pushes the ref out of the way.  Crowd REALLY hot.  They’ve mentioned multiple times that Hogan can’t win the title on a count out or a DQ.  Slaughter grabs a chair on the outside and hits Hogan with it in plain view of the ref.  Hogan no sells it and we don’t get a DQ.  I have this as my Top WrestleMania Matches and in re-watching is I’m realizing it’s actually pretty terrible from a wrestling standpoint (not that Hogan ever has any “good” matches).  We get some good old back-raking action which can only be described as awesome.  Hogan in control and really giving Slaughter a beating.  Hogan for some reason goes to his aerial assault and of course gets caught when Adnan holds his leg.  This allows Slaughter to take over with a ton of heelish tactics.  More chair shots with no DQ as well as a mic cord choking Hogan out.  Sarge goes to work on the lower back with punches, boots and a Boston crab.  Hogan is essentially under the rope but decides to try and power out anyhow.  When he can’t he goes to the ropes and Slaughter thinks he’s won.  Slaughter continues to pound on the back and Adnan distracts the ref.  Slaughter covers Hogan for like a day but Adnan is still yapping.   Chair shot to Hogan and he’s busted wide open – GREAT crimson mask.  Camel Clutch in the middle of the ring on a bloody Hogan.  He finally breaks it but runs into a turnbuckle and is down for the count.  Sarge brings in the Iraq flag and places it over Hogan and goes for the cover.  Hogan kicks out, rips the flag and “Hulks Up” for the victory.  This is the quintessential Hulk Hogan moment which is why it’s one of my favs.  Match sucks, but if you’re a Hogan fan you’ll love it.

General Thoughts

• There was a dark match on the card where Koko B. Ware actually won a match and beat the Brooklyn Brawler.  Fuck Koko.
• I wonder if Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart is pissed that he never got his own entrance theme?
• Jimmy Hart must keep airbrushers in business with all of his custom made jackets.  They are AWESOME.
• It’s amazing to look back on some of the story lines and realize just how LONG they took to develop.  With the advent of monthly PPVs you just don’t get that kind of build these days.
• A couple times its mentioned that this is the “largest PPV audience in history”.  Wish I knew what the number was.
• Weird that there are very few match recaps during these old Mania events.
• The Hogan/Slaughter match made my Top WrestleMania Matches as an honorable mention.  Watching this show again, the Warrior/Savage match should be the one that represents this show.

Dude would come to the ring with his bird Frankie (who died in a tragic fire a few years back… no shit).  On top of that, he’s probably most well known for singing the title track of the epic 1987 album Piledriver.  If you’ve never seen pictures of him and the late Owen Hart teamed up to form a tag team called High Energy you owe it to yourself to click on this link: High Energy.

In any case, I was perusing Wiki this evening and ran across this little nugget that made me smile:

“At the Survivor Series in 1990, Koko became the first wrestler to fall victim to The Undertaker’s Tombstone Piledriver in the Undertaker’s debut match.”

That right there is fucking cool.  Finally a reason to like The Birdman!

Event:

For the second year in a row, WrestleMania is being held at the Trump Plaza.  This is also the second event in the anthology that goes to two DVDs.  After a WrestleMania IV card that had 16 matches, the WWF followed up with a 14 match card… that seemed to last FOREVER.  That’s not to say that there aren’t any gems in here cause there are.  Unfortunately we get off a really rocky start with current WWF Women’s Champion Rockin Robin singing America The Beautiful.  Two words… fucking brutal.

Hercules defeated King Haku (with Bobby Heenan)
The opening bout is former Heenan Family member Hercules vs. King Haku.  Bobby Heenan gets on the mic before the match begins and tells the crowd to get on their feet for the King.  My response to this is if he’s so damn good why the hell is he in the opening match?  This isn’t a bad match for what it is.  Pretty clean throughout and Hercules seems to have learned from his slip-up at WrestleMania IV and bridges out of a double pin at the last second to get the victory.

The Twin Towers (Akeem and The Big Boss Man) (with Slick) defeated The Rockers (Shawn Michaels and Marty Jannetty)
Up next is the first time that Mr. WrestleMania Shawn Michaels is on a WrestleMania card as part of the Rockers.  Akeem is absolutely laughable.  The “African Dream”?  Really?  Who at the WWF thought turning the One Man Gang into a jive talking African Queen was a good idea?  In any case, the Rockers actually put up a decent fight for a good long while with some great quick tag team wrestling.  The end comes very quickly though when Shawn Michaels goes off the top rope and gets power bombed.  Holy shit.  Throw in a splash from the over sized Akeem and I’m surprised he ever got up from that one.

Brutus Beefcake and Ted DiBiase (with Virgil) fought to a double countout
Beefcake is the “Barber” at this point and I could never get over how bad his HAIR was.  I suppose that’s the definition of irony huh?  In any case, Brutus is having a bad hair day against the well coiffed Million Dollar Man.  I do have to say that I LOVE me some double clothesline.  Every time I see one I geek out like a total mark.  DiBiase gets the Million Dollar Dream on Beefcake but he makes it to the ring and we get a pretty weak double countout.  Beefcake the proceeds to get Virgil in the sleeper to end the madness.  Waste of time.

The Bushwhackers (Luke Williams and Butch Miller) defeated The Fabulous Rougeaus (Jacques and Raymond) (with Jimmy Hart)
Before the next match, we get a package where we’re shown Luke and Butch eating like a couple of idiots.  I suppose this is in here to show us just how “crazy” they are but it’s a complete waste of time.  The match isn’t much better either.  The Rougeaus are now heels going against the “power” that is the Bushwhackers.  Ho hum.  There’s one pretty humorous moment here when Butch (or Luke I can never tell which) gets body slammed and grabs a handful of one of the Rougeaus’ nut sack.  Hilarious.  A couple of minutes later the Rougeaus celebrate prematurely and get beaten by the Bushwhackers finishing move… a double stomach buster.  Um… kay.

Mr. Perfect defeated The Blue Blazer
Mr. Perfect makes his way down to the ring with no music which sucks cause his music is one of my favorite themes of all time.  He actually slips on his way down to the ring which is ironic seeing that he’s “perfect”.  The Blazer looks awesome here in the early going.  Damn do I miss Owen.  Blazer has the advantage and goes to the top for a big splash.  Perfect brings the knees up at the last second for a BRUTAL looking collision.  Not sure how you can “fake” that one.  Even after that mishap, Blazer manages to take control over most of the match.  After a really close call, Blazer pleads with the ref and turns around right into a Henning forearm.  Perfect follows up wit the Pefect-plex for the victory.

WWF Tag Team Championship
Demolition (Ax and Smash) (c) defeated The Powers of Pain (The Warlord and The Barbarian) and Mr. Fuji
Before the match gets started we’re shown a vignette of Fuji running a 5k.  We follow that up with Run DMC and the “WrestleMania Rap”???  Gorilla says that a little bit of rap goes a long way.  In this instance I have to totally agree with him.  The WWF typically does some sort of “filler” during the big show but this is crazy.  The match itself is about what you’d expect from 4 big guys and a run down Master Fuji.  Some good back and forth between Demolition and P.O.P. with Fuji only getting involved when Demolition is completely beat down and then out quickly.  The end comes when Fuji goes to the good ol ceremonial salt in the eyes gimmick and it backfires when he gets his own man.  Demolition takes advantage and hits their “finisher that wouldn’t hurt but looks cool” on Fuji for the win to retain their titles.

Dino Bravo (with Frenchy Martin) defeated Ronnie Garvin
Next up is Garvin and Bravo with a random appearance by Jimmy Snuka.  He’s on his way back to the fed and apparently Vince wants to send him out so folks can remember what he looks like.  The match itself is a good fair match.  Garvin is going crazy with the cradles… inside cradle, sunset flip attempts, etc.  At one point Bravo goes for the gayest looking bear hug in the history of wrestling.  Bravo hits a side suplex out of nowhere for the win.  After the match, Ronnie gets the “Garvin Stomp” on Frenchie in a typical “face loses but has to get revenge on the manager” moment.

The Brain Busters (Arn Anderson and Tully Blanchard) (with Bobby Heenan) defeated Strike Force (Rick Martel and Tito Santana)
Even after all of these years, its still weird to see Blanchard and Anderson in the WWF – they’ll always be WCW guys (and Horseman at that) to me.  Strikeforce is back together for the first time in quite a while but have everything running smoothly at the beginning of the match.  Nice little side by side dropkicks send the Busters to the floor.  A while later Strikeforce gets a double figure four right in the middle which is really cool visually but Arn breaks up with a rake to the eye.  Tito fucks up and hits Martel with the flying burrito (forearm) which sends Martel outside.  Martel selling it like Tito took his head off.  Time for a totally telegraphed heel turn.  Tito is getting double teamed and Martel is still on the outside hurting.  Martel refuses to extend the arm to take the tag and eventually leaves Tito in the ring to fend for himself.  Tito gets his ass kicked for another couple of minutes before getting hit with a spike piledriver.  I’ve got to say that Tito pretty much carries the match here.  Well done Chico.  We get a post match interview with Martel who’s always been terrible on the mic and this is no exception.

At this point we get an in-ring segment with Brother Love, Morton Downey Jr. and Roddy Piper.  Downey is smoking on the way to the ring which is king of funny.  Downey and Brother Love go at each other for a couple of minutes and then Piper makes his way to the ring.  Brother Love just kind of disappears.  This ends with Downey blowing smoke in Piper’s face, Piper getting pissed and spraying him with a fire extinguisher.  I remember this being much cooler than it was.

After the Piper/Downey thing we’re shown a preview of the Hulk Hogan “classic” No Holds Barred.  We might as well rename it the “Hulk Hogan Federation” at this point.  I mean, is there ANY chance in hell that he’s going to lose the main even with Vince so far up his ass?  Gene nearly laughs when he says how this movie is going to be a “blockbuster”.  After that segment, Jesse Ventura is all fired up about how Hogan is coming to Hollywood because it’s “his” town.

We get a pretty decent recap of the Mega Powers at this point.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but one really interesting nugget here.  During Hogan’s interview they actually overdub his voice when he says “WWF” so it says “WWE”.  Are you kidding me?

Jake Roberts defeated André the Giant (with Bobby Heenan) by disqualification
Big John Stud is the special guest referee for this match.  Andre is still a heel at this point after his WrestleMania III and WrestleMania IV Hogan encounters.  Looking at this now it’s really sad.  I’ve always been a big Jake fan but this seems like a big step down for Andre.  Andre is really looking bad at this point in his career as he can barely move around the ring.  At one point Andre gets hooked in the ropes (as he always does).  If there’s ever been a signature move in wrestling, this is it.  The entire match Jake is going for the bag to try and get Damien.  The end of this match turns into a complete clusterfuck.  Andre and Stud get into it, DiBiase grabs the bag and hightails it, Jake goes after DiBiase, blah blah blah.  Damien finally makes his appearance and Andre takes off out of the ring.  Pussy.  Seriously are we supposed to believe that Andre is scared of a snake?  Dude would eat it in like two bites.

The Hart Foundation (Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart) defeated The Honky Tonk Man and Greg Valentine (with Jimmy Hart)
This is pre “Rhythm & Blues” for Honky and Hammer but in retrospect you can see it coming.  Even after all of these years Honky sells an atomic drop better than anyone in history.  The Foundation is running on all cylinders with some great tag wrestling.  Hart slingshots Anvil in over the top right into the bad guys.  Actually Anvil looks incredible here and actually pulls out a standing drop kick?!?!?  I don’t care what you say, that’s damn impressive for a guy that size.  The end comes when Anvil throws Jimmy Hart’s megaphone to Bret who nails Honky with it.  Here’s a question… what do you think the lifetime average of the megaphone is?  Might be time to leave that one in the locker room there Jimmy.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
Rick Rude (with Bobby Heenan) defeated The Ultimate Warrior (c)
Before this match we’re shown footage of the Rude/Warrior pose down at the Royal Rumble that set this match up.  God damn is Rude ripped up.  Rude’s got some sweet tights complete with the IC title already on them.  Warrior hits the ring and we’re off and running.  Warrior is manhandling Rude whipping him into the corners really hard.  Rude selling like a motherfucker.  Warrior goes right into a bear hug to slow things down.  Remember people… Warrior’s got all kinds of charisma, but can’t wrestle worth a shit.  Rude breaks the hold with fingers to the eyes and follows up with a huge dropkick off the top that looks great.  Warrior powers out before the one count and goes into multiple body slams followed by another bear hug.  Warrior goes for a big splash in the middle of the ring and Rude gets his knees up right in the breadbasket.  Rude tries to swivel his hips a couple of time and just can’t do it cause his back is injured.  End comes when Rude gets dumped out of the ring.  Warrior goes to suplex him back into the ring.  Mid-suplex, Heenan grabs the Warrior’s leg which causes Rude to fall on Warrior.  Bobby holds on to the Warrrior’s leg so he can’t kick out and Rude gets the title.  Beat down on The Weasel post match.

Jim Duggan and Bad News Brown fought to a double disqualification
This is essentially a throwaway match and I’m shocked that it’s so late on the card.  There’s essentially not one wrestling hold here at all and by the time the match is over we’ve got bats and chairs in the ring.  Are we really supposed the believe that Bad News is a bad ass?  Not so much.

The Red Rooster defeated Bobby Heenan (with The Brooklyn Brawler)
If the last match was “essentially” a throwaway then this one is completely a throwaway.  My only question is who in the hell did Red Rooster piss off to be booked against Bobby Heenan?  Actually, I’ve got another question as well.  Who did he blow to be booked second to last on the card?  This one is nothing that you wouldn’t expect.  Rooster pins Heenan a couple of minutes in and then for some reason celebrates.  Not sure why he’s happy.  Perhaps no one told him he’s got a red mohawk and is wrestling as a farm animal.  Brooklyn Brawler beats on Rooster after the match.

WWF Championship
Hulk Hogan defeated Randy Savage (c)
This one made my list of Top 10 WrestleMania matches and watching it again totally validated that pick.  Savage comes out first complete with theme music and pose down.  Liz gets her own entrance with music as she’s not supposed to be in either man’s corner (though she still has Macho’s music).  Ventura points out that the champ should enter the ring last I being the old school dork I am I completely agree with him.  The crowd is totally behind Hogan from the get go.  Hogan starts out with the dreaded “closed fists” and Savage follows up with his standard double axe handle.  Hogan takes over after throwing Savage out of the ring.  He follows up with a couple of elbow drops (though not the Savage variety) and an eye rake.  A few minutes later, Savage takes over and Hogan is bleeding above the eye.  I’ve seen this match a hundred times and I just didn’t remember Hogan bleeding here.  Savage does some showboating and allows Hogan back into it.  Hogan slams Savage over the top and Liz goes over to help.  Savage playing the heel shrugs her off.  Hogan gets the advantage again and goes to slam Savage against the post on the outside and Liz steps in the way.  A few moments later Hogan is down and hurt and Liz comes to HIS aid.  Finally the bullshit love triangle ends and referee Dave Hebner sends her away from ringside.  Time to get down to some wrestling.  Savage hits the double axe handle on Hogan as he’s draped across the guardrail.  Hogan chokes a la Rick Steamboat.  Macho then continues with the choking tactics using tape from his wrists.  Macho then hits the HUGE elbow right in the middle of the ring.  Hogan “Hulks up” out of nowhere: block, punch, shake head, point, punch, punch, punch, slam, leg drop victory.  Real American and the crowd goes home happy.  A-W-E-S-O-M-E!

General Thoughts

• This is a LONG show.  This wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for so much throwaway garbage that we’ve been given.  These backstage vignettes have GOT to stop.  I’d much rather have a 3 hour show full of action rather than a 4 hours show with an hour of crap thrown in for filler.
• If I was in the arena I’d be pissed.  If you don’t count the Piper/Downey segment there was over a half hour between in ring action.  That’s unacceptable.
• With the exception of Perfect/Blazer and Savage/Hogan this is a pretty lackluster show.  That said, if you’re at all an old-school Hogan fan, you NEED to see this one.

If you’ve never seen this show before and you’re a fan of modern day WWE stuff the first thing you’ll notice is the production value here absolutely blows.  But don’t judge them too harshly.  First off, this show was 25 years ago and it was the first time something like this had ever been done.

The first voice we hear is Gorilla Monsoon and he’s sitting next to Jesse “The Body” Ventura.  As an old school wrestling fan this is definitely my favorite combination on the mic.  From there Howard Finkel welcomes us to the show and then we head right into the Star Spangled Banner by non other than… Mean Gene Okerlund.  Um… what?

Tito Santana defeated The Executioner
Before the match gets started we get a brief intro by an incredibly uncomfortable looking Lord Alfred Hayes followed by taped interviews with Mene Gene, Tito and The Executioner.  Of note here is that Gene tells Tito that he knows absolutely nothing about The Executioner (Paul Perschmann better known as “Playboy” Buddy Rose) and Executioner tells Tito that he’s going to go after the leg that Greg Valentine had previously injured.  To his credit he does in fact “work the leg” during the match.  4:50 into the match Tito hits the flying forearm and then slaps on the figure four for the victory.

King Kong Bundy (with Jimmy Hart) defeated Special Delivery Jones
More Alfred Hayes looking like a fish out of water. He’s so uncomfortable doing live TV it’s not even funny.  The introductions of the wrestlers and Jimmy Hart (accompanying Bundy) take longer than the match.  Bundy catches SD in a bear hug, throws him into a corner, hits the Avalanche followed by a splash and gets the pin.  They announce it as officially 9 seconds.  Bundy is announced as 458 lbs and Monsoon continually refers to him as over 500 lbs.  Hilarious.

Ricky Steamboat defeated Matt Borne
Matt Borne (would go on to WWF fame as Doink The Clown) and Ricky Steamboat are up next.  The pre-interviews are really funny here as they’re trying to create heat between them which just obviously isn’t there.  Steamboat is HUGE here – completely roided out which is weird cause when I think back to him I never picture him as being a monster.  Borne looks like he’s completely winded after about 4 minutes.  Steamboat gets the win after a flying tackle off the top rope (which Monsoon tells us was 15 feet across the ring).

David Sammartino (with Bruno Sammartino) fought Brutus Beefcake (with Johnny Valiant) to a double DQ
More uncomfortable camera time for Alfred Hayes.  It’s hilarious that the wrestlers are entering and leaving the right in the same isle where Hayes is broadcasting from.  Johnny Valiant is accompanying Beefcake and goes to great lengths to let us know that only HE will speak for Brutus.  In fact Gene sticks the mic in his face and all Beefcake manages is a fart sound / raspberry.  No shit.  This is “pre-Barber” days for Beefcake and he’s playing the heel very nicely.  This is actually a pretty good match with some sold back and forth action until Beefcake throws Sammartino out of the ring where Valiant slams him on the concrete.  Bruno is there to back up his boy and we’re off the races for a classic double DQ finish.

WWF Intercontinental Championship
The Junkyard Dog defeated Greg Valentine (c) (with Jimmy Hart)
In the pre-match interviews Valentine goes on record saying that he’s in the best shape of his career and that he’s lost quite a bit of weight going into this match… yeah right.  One thing that you notice very quickly in these older WrestleManias is that the guys aren’t NEARLY as ripped as they are today.  Valentine certainly isn’t out of shape but he’s not ripped up the way HHH and Batista are today.  That said, Monsoon does refer to “The Hammer” as the best Intercontinental champion in history here.  Solid match (though slow) with Hammer working over JYD getting him ready for the figure four and Dog getting in some patented headbutts.  Hammer gets the pin while having both of his feet up on the ropes.  Referee didn’t see it (do they ever?) and declares Hammer the winner.  As he and Jimmy Hart leave the ring here comes Tito Santana to let the referee know what he’s missed.  The referee determines that Tito is obviously telling the truth and restarts the match.  From here Hammer gets counted out and JYD is declared the winner.  He’s AWFULLY happy for winning the match (but not the title).  Monsoon says about 12 times that Hammer is still the IC Champion.

WWF Tag Team Championship
Nikolai Volkoff and The Iron Sheik (with Freddie Blassie) defeated The U.S. Express (Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham) (c) (with Lou Albano)
Prior to this match we get a great Lord Alfred Hayes interlude.  Hayes says, “Both these teams had pointed opinions.  Let us hear some more about those opinions that they had to express.“  Seriously?  We couldn’t find anyone better to be on the mic?  * sigh *  After that we get an interview with the Iron Sheik who’s always awesome.  “Gene Mean, this is my best time of life for shape situation.“  Translation… “I’m in good shape”.  We get the standard singing of the Russian national anthem from Volkoff which brings back some great memories.  I’m not a huge fan of tag team wrestling but this is decent for what it was.  Volkoff and Shiek play the heels but honestly they’re not really doing much “heelish” until the very end when Shiek breaks Freddie Blassie’s cane over Windham’s head to get the pin fall and the victory.  I have to wonder… where was Tito to save this title for the good guys?

$15,000 Body Slam Challenge
André the Giant defeated Big John Studd (with Bobby Heenan)
This is a clusterfuck from the beginning.  I don’t remember the lead up to this match but the story goes like this.  Andre wins if he can slam Big John Studd.  If Andre doesn’t win he retires.  Beyond that, I’m not sure what to tell you.  Monsoon makes reference once to the fact that pin falls don’t count in the match up so it appears that the only way Studd can win is to make it to the time limit without getting slammed.  I’ve never been a fan of “big men” matches and this one doesn’t do anything to change my opinion.  It’s not Andre’s fault but he’s just too damn big to do anything in ring.  He’s completely winded after about 4 minutes of kicks, punches, bear hugs and ass-slams in the corner.  Yes… he puts Studd in the corner and essentially backs into him.  Apparently it’s a wicked offensive maneuver.  Andre finally ends the boredom by slamming Studd, winning the match and grabbing the $15k from Bobby Heenan.  He the proceeds to start throwing the cash to the fans until “The Weasel” grabs the back and heads to the locker room.  For as bad as Andre is in the ring, he’s worse on the mic and the WWF knows it… to the point where they completely cut off his post-match promo mid sentence.

WWF Women’s Championship
Wendi Richter (with Cyndi Lauper) defeated Leilani Kai (c) (with the Fabulous Moolah)
This is the first “Rock and Wrestling” match as we get the inclusion of Cyndi Lauper accompanying Wendi Richter to the ring.  It’s obviously a ploy by the WWF to get another audience into wrestling and I’m not sure that it works.  I honestly don’t remember ever seeing this match before and after seeing it I see no reason to watch it again.  This is definitely not a “Diva’s Match” that we get in current story lines.  This is woman’s wrestling and it’s SLOW.  We’re treated to quite a few hammer locks, arm bars and pulling of the hair.  At least with current WWE Divas we get a bit of T&A that makes up for the sub-standard wrestling (though I have to say some of the current Divas are decent workers).  Near the end of the match Lauper and Moolah (accompanying Kai) get into it outside the ring.  Cyndi is obviously not comfortable in thie element and it shows.  This match thankfully comes to an end when Kai attempts a cross body block off the top rope which Richter clumsily rolls through to get the pin.

Hulk Hogan and Mr. T (with Jimmy Snuka) defeated Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff (with Cowboy Bob Orton)
This is the time where the WWF starts to bring out the big guns… sort of.  Billy Martin is announced as the special guest ring announcer.  Liberace (being accompanied to the ring by The Rockettes) is the guest timekeeper and Muhammad Ali is the special guest referee (though he’s a “floor ref” rather than in the ring).  This doesn’t start out promising as we get a complete  mosh right off the bat.  Cowboy Bob Orton (with the “bad guys”) and Superfly Jimmy Snuka (with the “good guys”) all make there way into the ring as does Ali.  At one point Snuka’s on the top rope waiting to do a splash but just jumps off feet first… lame.  I do have to give MAJOR props to Mr. T for his work here.  He’s doing body slams and hip tosses out there like this is his first job.  Well done B.A.  Well done.  Hogan is thrown to the outside and slammed with a chair (however the padded chair does cut down on the desired effect).  After another mele in the ring Orndorff has Hogan in a full nelson and is holding him so Bob Orton can come off the top rope and hit Hogan with his “loaded” cast.  Of course Hogan moves at the last minute pulling Orndorff into harms way “knocking him out” long enough for Hogan to get the pin.  We actually get a post-match interview which is rare as most shows these days go off the air with the winner posing in the ring.

General Thoughts

• The ropes are crazy floppy.  In fact the ring looks like it’s going to fall apart as the wrestlers are moving around.
• Moves that today are nothing more than “filler” are talked about as “power moves” – body slam, back body drop, suplex, etc.
• The ringside announce table is literally RIGHT at ringside.
• Whatever happened to announcing where people are from and their weights?
• Jesse makes reference to the fact that it’s the biggest card in history – 1.2 million people.  He’s obviously referring to the closed circuit crowd (remember this was before PPV) but he doesn’t reference that.
• I miss the times where “hooking the leg” was a prerequisite for actually getting a pin.
• Fans don’t throw trash into the ring anymore.
• For the most part the wrestlers are complete crap on the mic.  It’s obvious that back in these days the “product” was more about in ring than story lines.  Amazing that they gave the mic to some of these guys.
• Today, the concept of a “time limit” in any match aside from an Iron Man Match is completely absent.  During WrestleMania they announced the time limit for just about every match.
• Personally these shows have always been about the wrestling.  I like the idea of having one big show at the end of the “season” and I could do without all the celebrity stuff.  Let’s face it… Billy Martin, Cindy Lauper, Liberace, The Rockettes and Ali knew nothing about wrestling, care nothing about wrestling, etc.  They’re obvioulsy there for name value.  I’m sure it worked for some of the non-wrestling fans but for us “pure” fans they’re nothing but a boring distraction.