1. I scrape the hell out of my hand/wrist trying to reach up and grab a napkin.
2. I get a big wad of about 30 napkins and the dispenser is left looking like the one pictured here.

I mean seriously is the no napkin dispenser manufacturer out there that doesn’t build these monstrosities?  Would it be so difficult to simply put a stack of napkins on the counter and allow me to grab one?  Or how about this… perhaps the clerk behind the counter could actually take the extra 2 seconds and put a couple of napkins in the bag.  Good lord.

Amanda was in Denver for a wedding and was away from me and the boys for the first time since they’ve been born (for those of you keeping track that’s over 3 years!)  When I left work on Friday afternoon I really didn’t know what I had in store for me.  Being Super Dad (in my own head) I KNEW that everything was going to be just fine.

Friday Night
Actually this went pretty well.  My folks spent the day with the boys and there were PERFECT for them.  Actually… they were too perfect.   By the time I got home it was just a matter of finishing up dinner and doing bedtime.  Piece of cake.  Actually it was a beautiful evening so we took the dog for a long walk around the golf course. 

After they were in bed I jumped on Full Tilt Poker for some online action – but that’s another story for another blog.  I also got to watch a GREAT hockey game where my Pittsburgh Penguins took down Lord Stanley’s cup… amazing.  I doubt very seriously that the Pirates are going to keep the trend going but right now Pittsburgh is looking like title town!

Super Dad 1 – Kids 0.

Saturday Morning
No grand parent help… Super Dad is on his own.  Had a kick ass breakfast (eggs, bacon, fruit, oatmeal) and we were off and running.  I recently got a crack in my windshield so we had to be home between 8:00 AM and 12:00 PM for that dude to show up.  They called to confirm at around 10:30 and of course I missed it due to a diaper change.  When I called back 3 minutes later he informed me that the technician had been sent to another job and he would be at my house after noon.  Awesome.  So, I packed up the boys and off we went to the bank, UPS, etc.  Drive through… a dad’s best friend.

Twitter/Facebook Update
Day #2 of the “dad and boys alone” experience off to a good start. #fb
8:49 AM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

After our errands we came home and played for a while before it was time for lunch.  My boys can both eat… BIG TIME.  So meal time can be a pretty drawn out process.  Before I knew it nap time was upon us.

Super Dad 2 – Kids 0.

Saturday Afternoon / Evening
At this point I was cruising right along not really understanding why mom ever had a problem with these guys… they were AWESOME.  We’d been playing, laughing, eating and generally having a great time.  The other shoe just had to drop soon right?  Hell yeah it dropped… big time.  Here are my next four updates (note the times):

Twitter/Facebook Update
On the way to get fitted for tuxedos with the boys. #fb
4:56 PM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

Well that didn’t work out. #fb
6:54 PM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

On the way home. Almost bedtime for the boys. Then its time for dad to relax. Not sure how mom does this. #fb
8:51 PM Jun 13th from TwitterBerry

Boys in bed… 2 days down, 2 to go. It’s Miller time!
9:43 PM Jun 13th from TweetDeck

What happened you ask? Well… let me tell you.  As I stated before my brother is getting married in July and G and I are in the wedding.  So, we needed to get measured for our tuxedos.  I’d told him on Friday night that we were going to get measured so he’d know what to expect.  He seemed generally excited to “stand like a statue” and get measured.  So we rolled up to Beachwood Place and tried to find the Men’s Warehouse (which if you’ve never been there is pretty fucking difficult to find – I spent 20 minutes walking around the mall and that was AFTER I looked at the map).  Anyhow, we get in there and are helped by a 18-20 year old dude that has no idea what he’s about to get himself into.  G does pretty well getting measured (while C watched on from his stroller) but then proceeded to unroll about half the ties in the joint.  So, now I’m not only trying to make sure that G is measured properly, but I’m making sure that C isn’t tearing shit apart and I’m trailing behind G re-rolling the ties on the table.  Houston – we may have a problem.

Once the dude got all of G’s measurements it was off to the dressing room.  He proceeded to give us a jacket that I could have fit into.  I looked at him and told him he’d have to go a LOT smaller if we were going to fit the G-man at all.  I told him to give the smallest shirt, jacket, pants and shoes they had.  At this point G was starting to get a bit testy with me.  A couple of jackets and shirts later he was really starting to get pissed and on the third pair of pants he went completely ballistic. (Not sure what part of “give me the smallest” the clerk didn’t understand).  Tears, screaming, and a general 3 year old meltdown.  (For those of you that have never been fitted for a tux, the stores are generally pretty small.  If you think a screaming 3 year old is loud outside, try listening to them in a changing room).

Super Dad 2 – Kids 1.

So we make our way out of the dressing room and it’s time for dad to get measured.  G continues to run around the store so I decided to take action.  I put him on a chair and offer him a bribe if he sits still.  It appears to be working until as I’m getting measured he says, “Daddy I need to go peeps”.  Fuck.  I stop what I’m doing and walk over to him and then I see it… he’s wet.  Dammit.  I can’t really blame him cause he’s 3 and hasn’t had an accident all weekend so Super Dad springs into action.  I swoop him up and tell the clerk that I need to leave ASAP and I’ll be back to take care of my fitting.  I’m obviously trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible but this guys takes THIS time to sell me on the Men’s Warehouse Perfect Fit Rewards program – really?  Do I have “jackass” stamped across my forehead?  Needless to say I declined his sales offer and managed to get out the door without them knowing that my son had just pissed all over their carpet.

Super Dad 2 – Kids 2.

I’m making my way back to the car (which of course has all the way across the mall cause I couldn’t find Men’s Warehouse) carrying G, pushing C and it’s looking like it’s going to rain.  I was carrying G cause I didn’t want him to have to walk around the mall with wet sweat pants but this unfortunately meant that my t-shirt was now soaked as well.  We make our way to the car and it’s just starting to drizzle.

• Right front pocket – no keys.  Hmm… that’s strange, I ALWAYS keep my keys here...
• Left front pocket – no keys.  Maybe I put them here…
• Right rear pocket – no keys.  This isn’t looking good.
• Left rear pocket – no keys.  Oh boy… here come the rain.
• Right cargo pocket – no keys.  Panic setting in, maybe I put them here…
• You get the idea.

I forgot to mention that during the screaming and pissing I’d handed my keys to C to keep him quiet.  He neglected to tell me that he’d placed them on the floor on the way out of the store.

Super Dad 2 – Kids 3.

Once we finally got back to the car I changed G into his spare shorts and underwear and it was off to the grandparents for dinner.  We were there about 20 minutes before I noticed the G-man just kind of “hanging out” on the patio with a weird look on his face.  Yep… accident #2.  At this point I think he’s doing it just to piss me off.  Well, I’d already burned through my backup pants/underwear combo so he was relegated to a diaper for the remainder of the evening.

Super Dad 2 – Kids 4.

Dad asked me what we wanted to drink for dinner.  I informed him that G would have milk, C would have water and I would have bourbon on the rocks.  The rest of the evening was relatively uneventful as we made it home with no more accidents.

As I sat in my chair after the boys were in bed, I watched Kill Bill Volume 2, played some poker, had a beer and reflected on my day.  They had me on the ropes but I was bound and determined to get through it without having them kill one another or me.

To be continued…