Star Wars, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Halloween, Friday The 13th, Tron… I could go on and on.  It seems as if Hollywood is completely devoid of any original ideas these days.  Don’t get me wrong – some of these movies are great.  I completely enjoyed Transformers as well as the sequel Transformer 2: Revenge Of The Fallen.  I have yet to see G.I. Joe but I’m sure that I’ll enjoy that one as well purely based on nostalgia value… and therein lies the problem.  Since I’m enjoying them it means OTHER people are enjoying them.  It means they’re making money.  It means that the cycle will not stop anytime soon.

I’ve ranted here about my feelings on the current state of the Star Wars universe so I won’t bother rehashing it.  But the more I think about these remakes, reboots and re-imaging I just get this feeling of “something’s not quite right”.  My memories of playing with those toys, watching those cartoons, and having those adventures are precious to me.  Now I’ve got to assimilate all of this new information into those memories and I simply cannot process it.  I have less of a problem with the Transformers  and G.I. Joe’s of the world – those are merely being told in a new media.  It’s kind of cool actually to see a “real life” Optimus Prime or Storm Shadow.  What really gets me is these reboots.  It’s a story that has been told (successfully I might add)… STOP THE MADNESS.

Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Halloween – these are three of the most well known horror franchises of all time.  They’re good cause of what they are.  Please leave them alone.  The fact that Rob Zombie’s Halloween was a good retelling doesn’t change the fact that it should never have been made.

Tron – seriously?  Were there really people out there clamoring for a retelling of Tron?  Go back and watch it… it’s a clever story but it’s already been retold.  It was called The Matrix.

Robocop – again… the idea is played out.  I don’t need another version of an ass-kicking cyborg.

Ghostbusters – please God… do not allow this to happen.  Especially after all these years.  The first movie is a classic and the second is pretty damned good too.  We do not need a follow up to this.  Didn’t we learn anything the Indiana Jones experiment?

I’m begging Hollywood to please allow my childhood to stay intact.  Please give my kids their own movies, toys and properties to love.  There’s no reason they have to enjoy the same stuff that I did when I was growing up.  You want to really get sick?  Here’s a list of stuff that’s currently in the works:

• Romancing The Stone – I don’t see how this one could be made better.
• Back To School – talk about getting no respect… Rodney I’m sure is rolling in his grave.
• Conan – haven’t we seen enough bad Arnold franchises try to come back?
• The Karate Kid – with none other than Will Smith’s son Jaden in the lead roll.
• Footloose – staring… Zac Effron.  Fuck me.
• Short Circuit – this is one that I like but let’s be honest… it sucked the first time around.

Pissed off yet?  I could go on and on.  You know what REALLY upsets me?  I’m going to see each and every one of those movies thus continuing this sad trend of recycled garbage.  Ughh.

10. Delores Umbridge – Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix
This one might be a bit of a surprise, but I couldn’t find a good enough excuse to leave this dastardly educator off the list.  After having read the book, it’s clear to me there’s no character this movie series has captured more tastefully than Ministry minion, Delores Umbridge.  She’s a frightful git, and if she were a crayon her name would most likely be “bitchy schoolteacher pink”.  I think most of us have had teachers that remind us of Ms. Umbridge, which makes that much easier to loath her.  From her torturous disciplinary tactics to her unrelenting desire to take over the school, this is one serious witch.  Thankfully, she meets her demise at the end of the story.  I can only hope that she was actually torn to pieces by the Centaurs who dragged her away, perhaps that will be in the director’s cut…

9. Johnny Lawrence – The Karate Kid
There’s nobody’s ass I wanted to kick (or “see kicked”, who am I kidding he would’ve wasted me) more than blond haired, blue-eyed, kung fu shitkicker Johnny Lawrence. Not only is he trained by an ex-Special Forces Vietnam Vet, but also accompanied by an intimidating entourage that even Jeremy Piven wishes he could’ve been a part of. Sprinkle on top a well-endowed ex-girlfriend that our protagonist has the hots for, and you have a recipe for shenanigans. But like many of his other colleagues on this distinguished list, he lives only to meet his demise. The build-up to Johnny’s fall is like none other… with a series of events that can only be likened to a Rocky Balboa training montage (including token 80′s motivational song that, when you hear it, will NEVER LEAVE YOUR HEAD). This leads us to the finals of the All Valley Karate Tournament, where Johnny falls prey to a move that would be imitated by children everywhere for years to come. Real life Johnny (William Zabka) went on to really test himself as an actor by playing a jerk in “Back to School”, and the jerky boyfriend in “European Vacation”.

8. General Zod – Superman II
What do you get when you take a jaded aristocrat, give him a cool accent and throw in a severe grudge against all of mankind?  You get Stewie Griffin from
the Family Guy.  Slap on a manicured beard and a 30 gallon Glad trash bag and you have arguably the coolest villain in the comic book universe.  Played by actor Terence Stamp, General Zod was found guilty of treason and therefore enslaved by Jor-El Corleone (Superman’s father) for all eternity in the apt named “Phantom Zone”.  After his escape, the details of which depend on the version of the Superman II you prefer (see Superman II: The Richard Donner Cut), he leads his minions earthbound to cause trouble and seek out the son of Jor-El.  After he destroys a considerable part of “Planet Hooston”, he sets his sights on the man in red and blue tights.  Zod’s powers are equal to that of Superman, which seems to better validate him as a worthy advisary to our favorite invincible alien.  Lex Luthor is a historic villain in the world of comics, but the fact that he is mere mortal really makes the fights seem unfair.  Zod could match Superman punch for punch, kick for kick.  Sadly, his hellbent determination to make Superman fall to his knees (insert joke here) ended up being his downfall.  The Man of Steel used his brains to suck the powers (insert additional joke here) right out of Zod, leading to the coolest hand crunching scene in film history.  If the Superman franchise ever hopes to take flight again, they better give serious consideration to bringing Zod back from the Phantom Zone.

7. The Shark – Jaws
I had to think twice about putting chompers, here, on the list. I was trying to avoid anything that could be considered a “mindless killing machine” (a la Jason Vorhees, Michael Myers, etc.). However, anything that I saw as a kid that still gives me nightmares to this day certainly deserves it’s due credit. Not to mention it’s one of the best damn films that has ever been made. Out of all other entries, Bruce the Shark (named after Spielberg’s lawyer) actually has the least amount of screen time. This was due, in large part, to the numerous mechanical issues the shark suffered during production. It’s not really missed… as John Williams’ masterful score fills in for the shark when his bolts were being tightened off screen. The story climaxes when this 25 foot great white begins EATING THE BOAT carrying our 3 unlikely heroes. A few minutes later he meets the business end of a bullet that pierces an oxygen tank he was nibbling on. It was said that Jaws writer, Peter Benchley, was not happy about this ending because of a complete lack of plausibility. But hey… sometimes you need an unusually large face melting explosion to stop a man-eating shark with a chip on his dorsal fin. Does he deserve any less?

6. John Doe – Se7en
To say our #6 entry is a “messed up guy” would be the understatement of any decade. This anti-hero ritualistically murders his victims using the Bible’s seven deadly sins (Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Lust, Pride, watching the Real Housewives of Orange County, and Envy). Kevin Spacey masterfully plays the innominate “John Doe”, who like our fishy friend also has very little screen time. As much praise as Spacey deserves for this performance, writer Andrew Kevin Walker and director David Fincher were the ones who crafted this character into the sociopathic head job that he was. After killing most of his victims, John Doe anointed himself a prophet of sorts by willingly orchestrating his own demise. No matter how much you might root for our heros, you can’t ignore that sinking feeling that John Doe has his plans set in irreversible motion. In the end we have a disheveled Brad, a lamenting Morgan and a headless Gwenyth. No Hollywood ending here, folks. We’re left wondering what happened to poor Brad and Morgan as the credits roll (backwards, I might add). Perhaps we’ll find out when Hollywood gets desperate and starts pre-production on the inevitable sequel, Ei8ht… directed by Brett Ratner, no doubt.

To Be Continued…
That’s it for this installment. I’ll be back soon with the rest of the list. Until then, don’t let your meat loaf…