The Top 10 Posts Of 2011
(Based On Number Of Views)

#10 – Thoughts At 35
No matter how hard I try, I continue to get older.  On this “milestone” birthday I decided to jot down a few musings.

#9 – 100 Facts About Me – Or At Least 50
I really dove into Twitter in the past year.  There was a game/activity going around where you had to tweet out 100 facts about yourself.  I got halfway home before I decided to call it a day.

#8 – WrestleMania VI – The Ultimate Challenge
This was #10 on last year’s list.  It’s part of my WrestleMania Project where I’m reviewing every show since the beginning.  This particular show was outstanding, as the main event pitted Intercontinental Champion the Ultimate Warrior against WWF World Champion Hulk Hogan.  Tremendous.

#7 – Top 10 Guilty Pleasure Movies
Another list that I put together way back in the day.  These are flicks that no matter how bad they are, I’ll watch every time they’re on TV.

#6 – Harry Hamlin Made Me Smile (in 2010)
Another repeat from last year’s list.  This is a report of a video game that Pip played with an interesting cameo in it.

#5 – The Overuse Of LOL
There aren’t a lot of things in pop culture that piss me off, but this is of them.  My take (OK… more of a rant) on the use of the term “LOL” in today’s culture.

#4 – Empire Snow Removal – Solon, Ohio & Twinsburg, Ohio
Way back in 2008, I got screwed over by a scam called The Snowplow Guys.  This year, I got a flyer in my mailbox for the same service.  I wasn’t happy, and wrote this post.

#3 – The Best Animated GIF Ever
The title of the post pretty much says it all.  It’s epic.

#2 – The WrestleMania 27 Drinking Game
If you’re a regular reader, you know that a couple of times a year, Pip and I get together and pretend we’re a lot younger than we are.  One of these times is during WrestleMania weekend.  Each year, we build The Beeramid with the help of a drinking game that we develop through the year.

#1 – Top 80?s Action Movies
For the second year in a row, the top spot goes to this post that I made about my favorite 80?s action flicks.  Love it!

Still with me?  OK… here goes.  In no particular order.

You think Hogan looks old here? This was in 2008!

Mandatory Retirement Age

Now before you get your panties in a bunch realize that I’m not talking about a literal “happy birthday, you’re fired” retirement age.  I’m talking about that point in time where the wrestling business has passed you by.  Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair & Sting… I’m looking directly at the three of you.  You guys are legends of the wrestling business.  In fact, you’re probably (arguably) 3 of the top 5 or 10 wrestlers of all time.  But it’s over.  Please go away.  Don’t step in the ring.  Father time has caught up with you and you simply cannot “bring it” any more.  If you want to stick around the business in some non-performer role I’ve got no problem with it, but your days cutting promos, blading and trying to hang with the young guys are over.

Specifically talking to Flair and Hogan here.  Guys, you’ve ruined your legacy.  Note that I didn’t say “you’re ruining your legacy.”  Nope… that would imply that there’s a chance of NOT ruining it.  You’re both well beyond that.  You’re not only shells of your former selves, but you’re downright embarrassing at this point.  I’m sorry to say it cause I’ve got nothing but respect for you, but you’re pathetic.

And before you think that this is only an anti-TNA rant the WWE has its share of guys that are WELL beyond their prime.  The Undertaker is my all time favorite wrestler… but hung on way too long (though he only works about 3-6 months a year).  Bret Hart keeps trying to roll his way to the ring.  Kevin Nash finds himself in the middle of the main program.  Fucking Jerry Lawler main evented a PPV last year and made his FIRST WrestleMania appearance.  I hate the term “youth movement” but in this case it’s necessary.

So much for that title lineage...

Less Titles That Mean More

Ever since WWE purchased WCW (and essentially ECW) there are just too damn many titles.  WWE has the WWE Championship, World Heavyweight Championship, US, Intercontinental, Tag Team, Divas, and pretty soon (in all likelihood) Internet.  TNA has the World Heavyweight, Television, Tag Team, X Division, Knockout, and Knockout Tag Team.  In 2 federations, that’s 13 titles.  It seems like every match on every PPV is for a title.  They’ve been WAY watered down.  The WWE should combine the US & Intercontinental and the WWE and World titles.  TNA has no need a Knockout Tag Team title.  There’s too many titles and because of that they don’t mean shit.

Back in the day it MEANT something to be the Intercontinental Champion.  Honky Tonk Man was one of the best heels in history when he held the IC strap.  Why?  Cause the title meant something and he cheated to hold onto it.  Bret Hart and the British Bulldog main evented a PPV for the Intercontinental title in one of the best matches of all time.  These titles are nothing more than props at this point… they’re swapped with such regularity that it becomes difficult to even keep track of who’s champ.  The WWE championship and the TNA World Title have changed hands 6 times so far this year. The WWE & IC titles 4.  Those “prestigious” titles just simply should be swapping that often… it diminishes them.  I’d absolutely LOVE for Alberto Del Rio to hold onto the title through WrestleMania this year.  It’d make his match absolutely HUGE regardless of who he’s wrestling.  But if history is any indication… he’ll drop it in a PPV or two.

Finally starting to showcase Ziggler's brilliance

Push More Talent

I understand that some people sell more merchandise than others.  I understand that there will always be talent that rises to the top and thus gets more airtime that others.  I understand that this is a business and the feds are in it to make money.  But Jesus Christ… if I’ve got to hear that damn John Cena theme song one more time I’m going to shoot someone.  If I need to watch Eric Bischoff roll down to the ring to babble for 20 minutes with Hulk Hogan (brother) I’m going to puke (brother).  There’s a whole SLEW of talented guys that are relegated to secondary shows (Smackdown) or worse yet Internet or house shows.  We always hear about how both WWE and TNA are cutting back their rosters.  Back in the day both the WWF and WCW/NWA rosters were huge.  You know why?  Cause there were jobbers.  There were guys on the roster who’s only reason for being employed was to lose.  To make the stars look good.  The Iron Mike Sharpe’s and Barry O’s of the world are no longer there.  That’s a very bad thing.

Not only did we have jobbers, but the shows weren’t based around 1 or 2 top guys.  In the “Attitude Era” damn near every guy on the roster could win on any given night.  Damn near every guy could and would main event a show.  Part of that is that there was an overload of talent in the wrestling business at that time.  But another BIG part of it was the fact that they’d had enough TV time to build their characters and people knew who they were… and cared about them.  Sure, there were guys that stood out and had more TV time (Rock, Austin, Hogan, Hall & Nash) but those shows didn’t REVOLVE around them like WWE does Cena and TNA does Hogan/Bischoff these days.  Note to TNA, please see point #1 above.

I saw both Benoit & Guerrero win titles at WrestleMania XX. Both Gone.

Drug Testing

The drug testing policies in both the WWE and TNA are complete shams.  I don’t care what Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter say, it’s not being addressed.  Just in the last couple of months, Kurt Angle, Jeff & Matt Hardy, and Sin Cara (off the top of my head) have been linked to issues. These aren’t “isolated incidences” as we’re lead to believe.  Here’s the most comprehensive list of dead wrestlers I could find… 261 of them.   Sure, not all of them were drug related, but quite a few of them were.  Not just quite a few… more than quite a few.  Like, a shit ton more.

Just since the year 2000, check out this (very partial) list:

• Gary Albright (heart attack age 34)
• Bobby Duncam Jr. (drug overdose age 34)
• Yokozuna (heart attack age 34)
• Terry Gordy (heart attack age 40)
• Russ Haas (heart failure age 27)
• British Bulldog (heart attack age 39)
• Curt Hennig (drug overdose age 44)
• Miss Elizabeth (drug overdose age 42)
• Road Warrior Hawk (heart attack age 46)
• Hercules Hernandez (heart attack age 45)

Seeing a pattern yet?

• Big Boss Man (heart attack age 42)
• Eddie Guerrro (heart failure age 38)
• Bam Bam Bigelow (drug overdose age 45)
• Test (drug overdose age 34)

And that’s just the names most people would know.  Folks… it’s an issue.  Plain and simple.  There are just WAY too many heart issues for folks that are that young and in that good of shape.  Hell, if all these people are having “natural” heart attacks in the shape their in… I’m fucked.  Institute a mandatory drug testing policy with mandatory penalties.  3 strikes and you’re fucked.  Go home forever.  See you on the “Where Are They Now” DVD in a few years.

I’ve got a few more, but I’ve already ranted and rambled for over 1,200 words so I’ll stop with these.  I’m very passionate about this stuff because regardless of how much crap I take for it, I love professional wrestling.  I’ve enjoyed it for 3 decades and plan on enjoying it for many more to come.  I just really think that if some of these changes were made not only would I enjoy it more, but more wrestling fans would return or find it for the first time.

What do you think… Am I off base?  Comments welcome!

We decided that we should make a shirt to commemorate our year on the floor and came up with this Amo-designed shirt that represented us… The Flaming Keg.  On the back was a list of the top things heard on the floor.  Many of these were inside jokes that only the residents of the floor will remember/understand and some of them are pretty clear.  Without further adieu, I give you that list.  I hope the shirt has a place of honor in the quilt Pip!

Top 15 Things Heard On Thompson 5

1. FOK YOO!!!
2. Well, umm, my brother…
3. You’re up on Techmo.
4. Cheesesticks anyone?
5. Is Wheezie porning again?
6. Are you making a beer run?
7. Risk anyone?
8. Goddamnernuttslammerhammerwhammer…
9. Suddenly/UNREAL/Get out!!!
10. Void the Floyd
11. Can I bum a dip/smoke?
12. It’s 11:30, basketball anyone?
13. BUMOUTS!
14. Shit’s tight man.
15. HOLIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

In no particular order:

1. Being a dad allows you to be a kid.   I have a tendency to do some stupid things.  The wife does not like this.  However, in the eyes of my boys these same things make me a hero.
2. Kids who have an outgoing personality can be dangerous.  Watch out ladies!
3. I have less time to keep myself in shape now that I’m a dad.  I don’t care… there always seems to be an opportunity for a workout.
4. Kids pick up on stuff.  This includes your language, your likes and dislikes.  It also includes what you watch on television and what you like to eat.
5. Sometimes being a parent isn’t what you think it will be.
6. Kids say some funny stuff.  Don’t believe me?  Here’s another example.
7. When you think your kids are safe they will find a way to get hurt.  No… seriously.
8. Potty training sucks.  Plain and simple.
9. A child doused in Miller Lite is a terrible thing… but kind of funny at the same time.
10. Weekends are for family.  And they’re awesome.

So there’s a look back at my first 5 years.  I’m a little fatter, a little wiser but simultaneously a little dumber from hanging out with these yahoos.  But I wouldn’t change a thing.  I’ve been covered in poop, barfed on, laughed at, jumped on and ridden.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I love being a dad.

Happy birthday G.  Love you buddy.

The Top 10 Posts Of 2010 (Based On Number Of Views)

#10 – WrestleMania VI – The Ultimate Challenge
This is part of my WrestleMania Project where I’m reviewing every show since the beginning.  As you’ll soon learn (if you don’t already know) I’m a wrestling geek.  This particular show was great as the main event pitted Intercontinental Champion the Ultimate Warrior against WWF World Champion Hulk Hogan.  Tremendous.

#9 – Robert B. Parker – R.I.P.
My all time favorite author Robert B. Parker (creator of Spenser of Spenser For Hire fame) passed away in January.  This was my, “Thank you and goodbye” post.

#8 – Top Holiday Movies
The top 10 and 5 honorable mentions.  If you’re looking for some good movies to check out next holiday season this would be a good list to start with.

#7 – Finally Something Good From The Birdman
Another wrestling related post.  Koko B. Ware had one of the worst gimmicks in wrestling history (in my opinion).  He was a “jobber” as smart wrestling fans say… a guy that loses to the big talent.  Yet he’s in the WWE Hall Of Fame.  All of my angst aside, I found something to like about him.

#6 – Top 10 Movie Villains (Pt. 1)
One of only 2 posts on the entire blog that I didn’t write.  My good buddy Pip put together a list of his top villains.  Pure gold.  Unfortunately, part 2 has yet to be delivered *hint hint*

#5 – The WrestleMania 26 Drinking Game
Drinking is fun.  Wrestling is fun.  Mix them together and you’ve got a great time.  This is last year’s version.  If you’re interested in the current year’s list you can check it out here.

#4 – Mint.com FAIL
Mint.com is a (supposedly) site that allows you to keep track of your money, create and maintain a budget, etc.  This post talks about my (brief) experience with the site.

#3 – Top 10 Guilty Pleasure Movies
I love top 10 lists.  Here’s a list of movies that I hate to admit that I love.

#2 – Harry Hamlin Made Me Smile (in 2010)
The other post on the site that is not written by me.  Pip has 2 out of the top 10… you’d think that’d be enough of an ego boost to get him to join me once in a while?  This is a report of a video game that Pip played with an interesting cameo.

#1 – Top 80′s Action Movies
Thank GOD I managed to get the top spot on my own blog!  Another top 10 list… this time my favorite 80′s action flicks.  Love it!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Lethal Weapon (1987) – This flick is just AWESOME and if you have never seen it you owe it to yourself to get out there and rent it.  It’s on my list of Top 80′s Action Movies and the only reason that it’s merely an honorable mention here is that it’s VERY loosely a Christmas movie.  Set out in California this action movie happens to take place around Christmas time and there’s a Christmas tree up in the Murtaugh’s house.  A pretty weak link to Christmas I’ll agree, but the movie is just so damn good that it had to make the list.

Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) – Directed by the great John Hughes this flick tells the story of John Candy and Steve Martin trying to get home for the holidays.  This is actually a Thanksgiving movie, but for some reason I always think Christmas which is why I put it on this list.  If you’ve never seen this one, you owe it to yourself for one scene alone: “You can start by wiping that fucking dumb-ass smile off your rosey, fucking, cheeks! And you can give me a fucking automobile: a fucking Datsun, a fucking Toyota, a fucking Mustang, a fucking Buick! Four fucking wheels and a seat!” Need I say more?

Die Hard (1988) – Similar to Lethal Weapon, this is another action movie that happens to be set at Christmas time… and a bad ass action movie at that!  Also similar to Lethal Weapon, it made my list of Top 80′s Action Movies based on the badassery of one man… John McClane.  McClane’s at a Christmas party waiting for his estranged wife, when a bunch of bad guys take over the Nakatomi Tower where the party is being held.  The bad guys (lead by Alan Rickman) have a single purpose and have a great plan in place which is eventually foiled by misplaced McClane.    

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) – As you’ll see further down my list, the story of the Grinch that stole Christmas is one of my all time favorites.  When I found out that this was going to be made into a live action version I wasn’t quite sure what to think until I found out that none other than Jim Carrey was going to be playing the Grinch.  No other rubber-faced man on the planet could have pulled it off as well.

Elf (2003) – This one is relatively new and the first time I saw it I knew that it was high up on my list.  Buddy (Will Ferrell) is an elf who’s left the North Pole.  Along the way he meets his real dad (James Kahn) and hilarity ensues.  The “boy trapped in a man’s body” story has been dozens of times over the years but this twist on it with the comic genius of Ferrell at the helm is simply outstanding.

THE TOP TEN
Please note these are listed in chronological order.  I didn’t have it in me to try and rank them cause I love them all.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – I’ve been hearing about how damn awesome this movie is for as long as I can remember.  Up until last year I’d never even seen it.  One cold winter evening last year, the wife and I decided to check it out (as we’ve got the DVD sitting in the basement and just had never gotten around to watching it).  This one is over 60 years old but it tells a timeless story of a man down on his luck.  There’s so much “bad” going on in George Bailey’s life that you can’t see how things will turn around… until they do.  Well worth the title of “Christmas Classic” that it has in so many circles.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) – The first cartoon on my list and it won’t be the last.  If you don’t know Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang then I’m not really sure what to tell you other than you need to get off this blog and start reading the greatest comic strip of all time.  Once you’ve done that get into the Christmas spirit by checking out this animated show from before the world was so PC it makes you sick.  Toward the end of this show Linus actually tells the true story of Christmas… you know, the one about that Jesus guy.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) – Speaking of animated entries, The Grinch first made his appearance in a book by Dr. Seuss, which was immediately followed up by this short animated show.  The story of a pissed off green man living in the hills of Whoville will bring a tear to your eye if you’re not ready for it.  Actually when you get right down to it, this is nothing more than a criticism of the commercialization of Christmas.  Another cool note about this one.  The voice of the Grinch is none other than Mr. Boris Karloff.   Awesome.

A Christmas Story (1983) – Careful kid… you’ll shoot your eye out.  A true cult classic that is now shown for 24 straight hours on TBS each and every year.  This flick about a little boy’s quest for a Red Rider BB gun completely tanked at the theaters but has made a HUGE revival based on DVD sales and television.  This happens to be my wife’s all time favorite movie which is why we have a dog named Ralphie.  No shit.

Gremlins (1984) – Little fury animals that turn into bad ass green lizard looking things if you feed them after midnight.  Throw water on them and you’re in for a world of hurt.  Not quite a “horror” movie but definitely a Christmas favorite.  As a side note, also has an INCREDIBLE sequel.

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985) – I imagine I’ll take some shit for this pick but this is one of my all time faves (hence the reason it’s on this list).  Dudley Moore, John Lithgow and Burgess Meredith lead a cast that tells the story of Santa Claus, elves and an “evil” business man who’s looking to take over Christmas and make it is own.  There’s some incredibly cheesy special effects in here but the story itself is pretty damned entertaining.

Scrooged (1988) – I didn’t rank this list but if I did, this would most definitely be #1 on the list.  The story of Ebinezer Scrooge has been told hundreds of times but never has A Christmas Carol been quite so entertaining.  Bill Murray as Frank Cross turns in what may quite possibly be my favorite of his roles.  Incredibly quotable and one that you can watch over and over again.  “Will someone… stop… the God Damn HAMMERING!”

Christmas Vacation (1989) – The Vacation series of films are hilarious and for some reason people have a tendency to discount the Christmas entry into the series.  If you’re one of those people I’m here to tell you that you need to watch this one like yesterday.  Put aside the fact that the Griswold kids change every flick and lose yourself in a great film.  This is one of the funniest movies of all time whether it’s a Christmas movie or not.  Chevy Chase is at his best here as Clark Griswold in his definitive role and Randy Quaid plays cousin Eddy to absolute perfection.  Some of the all time best one liners are “present” with this flick.  “Shitter’s full!”

Home Alone (1990) – The film that made Macaulay Culkin a household name.  Chris Columbus directs this story by John Hughes of 8 year old Kevin who gets mistakenly left behind when his family goes out of town for the holidays.  Cat burglars Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern know that he’s alone and figure his house will be easy pickings… they couldn’t be more wrong.  Kevin defends his house in some pretty ingenious (and hilarious) ways.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) – I’ve been a Muppet fan since I was a child so it only makes sense that they’d make the list.  Ironically, this is another retelling of A Christmas Carol (the second on this list).  In this musical version of the story, Michael Caine (yes, that Michael Caine) plays Scrooge.  You get all your favorite Muppets here including Gonzo as the narrator and Kermit as Bob Cratchet.  Another plus for this one is that it’s not only kid friendly but will hold their attention the whole way through.  Watch for Beaker flicking off Mr. Scrooge about 20 minutes in… hilarious.

Love Actually (2003) – Follow the lives of 8 couples as they deal with the month leading up to Christmas.  They’ve all at very different points in their lives and yet all of the stories are very believable and touching.  Even if you don’t relate to a specific plot line I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll enjoy the resolutions to each and every one of them.  The cast includes some outstanding names including Bill Nighy, Colin Firth, Liam Neeson, Emma Thompson and Kiera Knightley.  Watch out… there’s a couple of potential tears in here if you’re so inclined.  Merry Christmas!

Colorful – The Verve Pipe
This song was featured at the end of the highly underrated Mark Wahlberg movie Rock Star.  As a man who’s married to a woman WAY above my pay grade this song really speaks to me.

The show is over close the story book
There will be no encore
And all the random hands that I have shook
Well they’re reaching for the door
I watch their backs as they leave single file
But you stood stubborn, cheering all the while

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser’s living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Most were being good for goodness sake
But you wouldn’t pantomime
You are more beautiful when you awake
Than most are in a lifetime
Through the haze that is my memory well
You stayed for drama though you paid for a comedy

I know I can be colorful
I know I can be gray
But I know this loser’s living fortunate
Cause I know you will love me either way

Look ahead as far as you can see
We’ll live in drama but we’ll die in a comedy
I know I can be colorful…

There’s Something In The Way She Moves – James Taylor
If I had to pick one song that represents the way I feel about the wife, this is it.  JT is an incredible singer/songwriter and this is by far my favorite of his tunes.

There’s something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
If I’m feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.

And I feel fine anytime she’s around me now,
She’s around me now
Almost all the time.
And if I’m well you can tell that she’s been with me now,
And she’s been with me now
Quite a long, long time
And I feel fine.

Every now and then the things I lean on lose their meaning,
And I find myself careening
Into places where I should not let me go.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know, you know.
Well I said I just got to know that:

It isn’t what she’s got to say
Or how she thinks or where she’s been.
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound.
I like to hear them best that way -
It doesn’t much matter what they mean,
She says them mostly just to calm me down.

And I feel fine anytime she’s around me now,
She’s around me now
Almost all the time.
If I’m well you can tell that she’s been with me now,
And she’s been with me now
Quite a long,
Long
Time -
Yes, and I feel fine.

Blind Faith – Warrant
I don’t think I can ever make any kind of “favorite song” list without including some 80′s hair metal.  This unreleased classic from Warrant really speaks from the heart… or the hairspray.

Darling I know you’re sleeping
But there’s something that I’ve just got to say
Wonder if you’ll hear me while you’re dreaming
You make a lifetime out of every day
Thanks to you now I know
All my dreams can come true

Blind faith in you, oh yeah,
I got blind faith in you

Your eyes keep things well hidden
Just a hint of what you’re holding inside
And the first day that I met you
I consider the first day of my life
Thanks to you now I know
All my dreams can come true

Blind Faith in you, oh yeah.
I’ve got blind faith in you
And I’m not sure that I deserve
A woman so true,
But I love, that you think I do

With You and Faith, beside me
I’m feelin’ stronger every day

Love Walks In – Van Halen
My favorite band.  My favorite of their albums.  This song captured a moment and to this day every single time I listen to this song I’m back in that moment.  That’s what a great song is all about.

Contact is all that it takes
To change your life, to lose your place in time
Contact. Asleep or awake
Coming around you may wake up to find

Questions deep within your eyes
Now more than ever, you realize

And then you sense a change
Nothin’ feels the same
All your dreams are strange
Love comes walkin’ in
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening
Simply pulls a string

Another world, some other time
You lay your sanity on the line
Familiar faces, familiar sights
Reach back, remember with all your might

Ooh, and there she stands in a silken gown
Silver lights shinin’ down

And then you sense a change
Nothin’ feels the same
All your dreams are strange
Love comes walkin’ in
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening
Simply pulls a string
Love comes walkin’ in

Oh, sleep and dream; that’s all I crave
I travel far across the milky way
To my master I become a slave
‘Til we meet again some other day

Where silence speaks as loud as war
Earth returns to what it was before

And then you sense a change
Nothin’ feels the same
All your dreams are strange
Love comes walkin’ in
Some kind of alien
Waits for the opening
Simply pulls a string
Love comes walkin’ in

Love comes walkin’ in
Baby, pull the string
Love comes walkin’ in
Love comes walkin’ in, yeah!

Jacob – Jackopierce
This entire album is full of introspective stuff like this, but Jacob stands out for me.  I loved this song before I had kids and now that I have children of my own it hits me even harder.

Jacob’s a fine boy
But his parents don’t get along
They hardly talk, when they do
He thinks he’s done something wrong

He heard all the screaming
As he lay down to bed
He should have been sleeping
But he listened instead

They say he’s fine
It’s not his fault
Between the lines he somehow got caught
‘And in our game
It’s more like war
I just don’t think i love you anymore’

He picked up the phone
His tears touched the receiver
His grandmother answered down in Tempe
He told her the story
That his daddy was leaving
She tried to convince him it was nothing he’d done

She said ‘you’re fine
It’s not your fault
Between the lines
You somehow got caught
And in their game
It sounds more like war
I just don’t think she loves him anymore’

Jacob’s a father
And his kids are in teens
He’s done what he could to make meager ends meet
When it comes down to family
It’s the primary goal
To keep the thing working
No matter the toll

His sons heard them screaming
About something he said
He opened the door and invited them in

He said ‘Now sons
It’s not your fault
Between the lines you somehow got caught
So when you’re hurt
You lean on the crutch
But I still love your mother very much’

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Revenge Of The Ninja (1983) – When I think of “ninja movies” this is the one that comes to mind.  Main character Cho (Sho Kosugi) swears off being a ninja only to be brought “out of retirement” by the silver-masked “demon ninja”.  Some unbelievable kills in here and off the chart action.  Some additional thoughts here.

F/X (1986) – Bryan Brown plays Rollie Tyler, a special effects guru who is hired by the Department of Justice to fake the murder of a mob informant.  Brian Dennehy plays a cop who gets interested in the case when things go south.  Naturally some great special effects combined with a story that’s actually very compelling.

Cobra (1986) – Sylvester Stallone plays Marion “Cobra” Cobretti who’s part of the elusive Zombie Squad. He’s called in to deal with the city’s latest threat: The Night Stalker.  A quick 87 minutes of fury that stars Brigitte Nielsen in the lead female role.

Action Jackson (1988) – Action Jackson (Carl Weathers) is a Detroit cop out to bust a crooked businessman (Craig T. Nelson).  The end scene features Jackson driving a car up 3 flights of stairs to get to the bad guy.  AWESOME.  Cast also includes the smoking hot Vanity and Sharon Stone.

Tango & Cash (1989) – Ray Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell) are two LAPD cops who are framed for crimes they didn’t commit.  The flick follows them as they break out of prison and clear their names.  Two HUGE action names in one flick and they share the screen brilliantly.  Also features Teri Hatcher and Jack Palance.

THE TOP TEN
Please note these are listed in chronological order.  I didn’t have it in me to try and rank them.

The Empire Strikes Back (1980) – Many people will argue that this is a science fiction movie.  I’ll say I don’t care how you define it, it’s on my list.  I’ll admit that the original Star Wars is more of an “action” movie in my mind, but that came out in the 70′s so it doesn’t qualify for this list.  I’m not going to go into plot details here cause if you’ve never seen Empire you’re no longer allowed to read this post or this blog.  Be gone.  As I’m sure you can tell, I’m a HUGE fan of not only this franchise, but also of this iconic 2nd (or 5th depending on your point of view) entry in the saga.  Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Lando Calrissian and Darth Vader.  Enough said.  May the Force be with you!

Raiders Of The Lost Ark (1981) – Just thinking about scenes from this movie gets my blood pumping.  Between Harrison Ford’s portrayal of Indiana Jones, some incredible action sequences and probably the best score to a movie ever, this one has it all.  Guns, whips, explosions, fistfights and chase scenes.  What more could you ask for in an action movie?  It’s unfortunate the the 4th installment of this franchise was ever made, but no amount of crappy sequels will ever take away from the pure brilliance that is Raiders.

Commando (1985) – When I think of Arnold, this is the one that pops to mind.  He’s certainly had some definitive roles, but for me, John Matrix is THE one.  Matrix, a retired special forces guy, has to save his daughter (Alyssa Milano pre-hotness) when she is kidnapped by mercenaries.  This leads to some incredible fight and chase scenes as well as some of the best (worst) one liners in movie history.  Arnold wasn’t interested in doing a sequel to this so the script was rewritten, retitled and given to another actor.  It became known as Die Hard.

Die Hard (1988) – John McClane played by Bruce Willis is a cop caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.  There are so many bad ass moments in this flick that I don’t dare list them for fear of leaving one off.  This is probably the most well known “stuck in one place” action flick and it’s one of my absolute favorites.  I purposefully didn’t rank this list as it would be too damn difficult, but if I did I’m nearly sure this would be at the top.  Alan Rickman plays a villain for the ages and the amount of flying glass, explosions and blood is second to none.  Yippie-kay-ay motherfuckers!!!

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985) – This is another of those “one man against the world” type movies that we’ve grown to love.  John Rambo (who we first met in First Blood, the movie that inspired this list) is given the opportunity to get out of prison if he’ll go on a mission back into Viet Nam where he served.  He’s looking for American POWs who are being held captive.  His insertion goes awry and he’s forced to make due with what equipment he’s got behind enemy lines with no backup.  This one is less “campy” than some others on the list as it’s got a real “gritty” feel to it.

The Delta Force (1986) – There’s a reason that there are so many Chuck Norris references out there in pop culture today… this film is part of the reason why.  The Delta Force tells the story of a hijacked plane en route from Athens, Greece to New York City.  Lebanese terrorists take control of the plane and take it to Beirut and begin making their demands.  The Delta Force led by Scott McCoy (Norris) and  Nick Alexander (Lee Marvin in his final appearance) are tasked with rescuing the hostages and saving the day.  This one always felt very “real” to me as the flick ends with one of the Deltas dying after the hostages have been thwarted.

Iron Eagle (1986) – When it comes to fighter jet movies from the 80′s most people think Top Gun first but I MUCH prefer Iron Eagle.   Many people think that Eagle is a copy of Gun, when in fact Eagle came out 5 months prior (Jan 17, 1986 vs. May 16, 1986).  In any case this flick tells the story of Doug Masters (Jason Gedrick) as he attempts to rescue his old man who’s been shot down behind enemy lines.  Doug enlists the help of his father’s fried Col. Chappy Sinclair (Louis Gossett, Jr.) and without the knowledge of the Air Force plan the excursion.  Top Gun was the by FAR the better performing flick at the box office, but this one makes my list.  NOTE: for Transformers geeks out there, Stan Bush said that his song The Touch was inspired by this flick.

Lethal Weapon (1987) – Widely considered the best “buddy cop” flick of all time, Lethal Weapon tells the story of soon to retire Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) and Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) as they attempt to get to the bottom of a plot involving sex, drugs and murder.  Along the way, Riggs treads dangerously close to the line of breaking the law as he’s a bit unstable mentally.  As they dig deeper, they unearth the elusive Shadow Company headed up by a retired general along with his enforcer Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey).  As the sequels play out, Riggs and Murtaugh become great friends and there’s more comedy thrown in.  If you’re looking for a gritty action flick, this is the place to start.

Road House (1989) – I did a full review of this movie and though I didn’t have this list in mind when I wrote it, the flick was destined to be included here.  Patrick Swayze’s “Dalton” is one of those characters that the audience can really identify with.  The girls love him and the guys want to be him.  The villain here isn’t a monster or a genius… he’s a normal guy.  He’s the type of asshole that we come across in every day life which allows us to connect to the story even more so.  80′s action is all about one liners for me and this one has some of the best: “Pain don’t hurt”.  Awesome.

Predator (1987) – Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura walk into a jungle…  No this isn’t the beginning of a joke – it’s the plot of Predator.  They’re part of a bad ass commando unit that is sent into the jungle of Guatemala on a rescue mission.  When they get to their destination they find a slew of soldiers that have been skinned alive.  Before we know it, they’re in a jungle chess match with a highly advanced creature who’s sole purpose is to hunt and kill them.  While there’s not a ton of story this flick delivers from the word go.  And seeing as this is a list of ACTION movies that’s what we’re looking for here.

COMMENTS
I’d be remiss not to point out that 4 movies not listed here are part of my Guilty Pleasure Top 10 that could just as easily have been included here: Megaforce (1982), The Beastmaster (1982), Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985) and Big Trouble In Little China (1986).  In addition, this was a VERY difficult list to put together cause there was just so much awesomeness in the 80′s.  Please don’t think that I forgot about stuff like Conan, Tron, Jedi, Mad Max, Missing In Action, Platoon, Aliens, etc.  I had 15 spots to play with and the list had to end somewhere.

Interesting to note that Stallone is in here in 3 roles (4 if you include the flick that inspired the list).  Schwarzenegger is in here twice as is Carl Weathers (though Weathers was a supporting character in one movie).  If you’re a fan of 80′s action flicks, you’ll want to check out the upcoming release The Expendables as it’s looking to be an 80′s action fan’s wet dream.  Cast includes: Stallone, Lungren, Willis, Schwarzenegger and others… WOW.

The Shining (1980)
Starring Jack Nicholson is his definitive role, Shelley Duvall and Scatman Crothers, The Shining is directed by Stanley Kubrick based on a novel by Stephen King.  That right there should tell you all you need to know about its brilliance but I’ll continue.  The film tells the story of writer Jack Torrance (Nicholson), who takes a job as caretaker of the Overlook Hotel which always gets snowed in during the winter months.  Jack’s son Danny discovers that he’s got an ability to see ghosts and he begins to go crazy.  Jack on the other hand suffers from a severe case of writers block and eventually goes completely nuts.  Between “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” and “redrum” this is an incredibly quotable movie and as with every Kubrick flick you’re going to see some freaky shit in there.

The Exorcist III (1990)
Remember, this is a list of my favorites – not necessarily the best horror flicks out there.  If we’re talking about this franchise the original Exorcist from 1973 is obviously a superior film, but the third installment is by far a better horror film.  This entry takes place 15 years after the events of the original film and thankfully completely ignores the piece of crap that was Exorcist II: The Heretic .  George C. Scott reprises his role from the first film and is trying to track down the elusive Gemini Killer who has been deceased for some time  (portrayed by Brad Dourif – best known now for his role of Grima Wormtongue in the LOTR films).  This flick is creepy to the max.  Any time you throw religious themes into a horror flick you open up new levels of weirdness.

Halloween (1978)
The original “slasher” film which introduced us to “The Shape” that would become known as Michael Myers.  Even if you’ve never seen this film if you’re a horror fan you’ve see homages to it.  Originally titled The Babysitter Murders the film tells the story of a serial murderer who terrorizes the town of Haddonfield, Illinois on Halloween.  Many of the “rules” that are joked about in Scream come from this film: sexually active teens, folks saying “I’ll be right back” and the concept of “Is he really dead” were all born here.  Actually this is a pretty slow slasher film in comparison to the stuff we get today (for example we get like 10 deaths in the first few minutes of the newest Friday The 13th film).  That said there’s an incredible sense of suspense here heightened by not only the camera angles used but possibly the best horror movie score ever created.

Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
Here’s another example of favorite vs. better film.  The original Nightmare is obviously the “better” film but I’d choose Dream Warriors every day of the week if I had to watch just one.  Just like Exorcist III ignored it’s sub-par previous entry, Dream Warriors makes no mention of the crappy second flick in the Nightmare franchise.  Heather Langenkamp reprises her role of Nancy who is now a specialist in dream therapy (how’s that for ironic).  She of course is consulting a new group of kids battling Freddy Krueger (a demon who murders children in their sleep which consequently kills them in real life).  The title character Kristen has the ability to draw others into her dreams making her capable of battling Freddy.  I’ve always loved the concept behind this franchise and some of the most inventive deaths ever put to screen put this on the top of my list. 

Seven (also known as Se7en) (1995)
Sometimes horror movie killers are evil incarnate.  Other times they are plodding killing machines.  Kevin Spacey’s John Doe is quite simply one of the most disturbing killers out there.  Doe is attempting to carry out 7 murders based on the seven deadly sins: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride.  This is a very dark look into the mind of a killer and Spacey does an AMAZING job bringing John Doe to life.  While he’s not physically imposing like Michael or Jason he’s definitely as scary.  This is one of those movies that’s pretty disturbing so it’s probably not one that you’ll re watch time and again but you definitely should put it in your cue if you’ve never watched it.

Saw (2004)
Saw is the first of the “torture porn” sub-genre that we’ve been treated to in recent years.  As I said when I first reviewed the film “horror hasn’t looked so good in years”.  The once per year sequels that we’ve been treated to have been garbage but this first one still stands out as one of my favorites as it’s a “thinking man’s horror movie”.  Two men awake in a strange room and are given instructions (unbeknown to the other) to kill the other.  They are the latest victims of the Jigsaw Killer, who doesn’t actually kill his victims but rather invents ways for them to kill themselves or one another.     

Hellraiser (1987)
To try and explain the plot of Hellraiser to someone who’s never seen it is like trying to eat melted ice cream with a fork.  It’s a tale of a puzzle box, demons from Hell and lots and lots of gore.  In all honesty, I have a really difficult time following any of these movies but as a horror fan that just doesn’t really matter.  Based on a novel by Clive Barker it explores the concepts of pain vs. pleasure in a truly horrific way.  The characters of Pinhead and the Cenobites are icons in this genre.

Friday The 13th Part III (1982)
A third example of favorite vs. better film.  The original Friday the 13th is incredible horror movie partly because we don’t know who the killer is until the climax of the film – in fact it’s not even the iconic Jason Voorhees that’s doing the killing in the original.  When it comes to horror icons there’s nothing quite like the hockey mask that Jason wears.  Said hockey mask makes its first appearance in this film which also contains some great kills.  This was intended to be the “final” film in the series which is shown in the final scene of the movie.  The fact that it was released in 3D gives all the more enjoyment – though it’s more just for “cheese” factor.

Scream (1996)
This is a “smart” horror movie if I’ve ever seen one.  It takes all of the cliches of the genre and plays right into them.  If you’re a horror fan I’d be shocked if you’ve never seen this one but if it was too “mainstream” for you when it came out I’d strongly urge you to see it.  The sequels were not nearly as good but the original is great.  One year after the death of Sidney Prescott’s (Neve Campbell) mom two of her classmates turn up dead (after an opening scene that is AWESOME).  From here we’re introduced to a murder mystery where no one is safe, everyone is a suspect and what you know about horror might just save your life.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Horror on a budget.  Much has been made about this film which was made for less than a million and made nearly 250 million (the the time the most successful independent film in history).    Shot documentary style it tells the story of three  filmmakers who hike into the Black Hills of Burkittsville, Maryland to film a documentary about a local legend known as the Blair Witch.  We are told that they were never heard from again and we are being shown their missing footage.  Suffice to say that the idea of “going to the corner” will never be the same again.

Alien (1979)
This is generally thought of as a science fiction movie, but the first one in the series is a straight up horror movie that happens to be set in space.  The idea of being trapped in a location has never been as frightening as it is here.  There is definitely some iconic stuff in here with inclusion of the facehugger, the Alien bursting through someones chest and the Alien itself.  Sigorney Weaver stars in her career defining role of Ripley and does an absolutely amazing job.  The sequel Aliens is many people’s favorite but for me its the original all the way.

Jaws (1975)
Based on a novel by Peter Benchley, Jaws brings terror to the screen in the form of Bruce the Shark.  Not only was this an incredible horror movie but it was the first of the “summer blockbusters” and it definitely didn’t disappoint.  For me, horror movies are at their best when the killer strikes out of nowhere and when the sense of suspense has been built throughout the film.  Jaws does an incredible job of both.  The first kill is gruesome and simplistic.  By the end of the film you see a killing machine turn the resort town of Amity Island into a ghost town.  There are some outstanding performances in here but Bruce steals the show.  We’re definitely going to need a bigger boat.

OK – so this is a list of 12 rather than 10.  As I was putting my list together I got to the end and realized that I hadn’t included Alien or Jaws.  I’d left them off the list initially because Alien is typically thought of as a “space movie” and Jaws is normally seen as a “suspense” film.  After some further reflection I’ve decided that these are horror movies in my book and with that distinction they NEED to be on this list.

Harrison Ford – Han Solo (Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
Honorable Mention – Indiana Jones (Raiders of the Lost Ark, Temple Of Doom, Last Crusade, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)
This was quite possibly the most difficult on my list.  In my mind Ford has played two of the most recognizable characters in movie history.  Solo is the baddest smuggler in the galaxy and Dr. Jones is quite simply the coolest archeologist in history (no pun intended).  This would have been an even more difficult decision if Crystal Skull had never come out but with that stinker factoring into the equation I had to go with Solo.

Chevy Chase – Clark W. Grizwold (Vacation, European Vacation, Christmas Vacation, Vegas Vacation)
Honorable Mention – Irwin “Fletch” Fletcher (Fletch)
This was another difficult choice.  Fletch is one of my all time favorite movies but when it comes to a pure character study Clark is tough to top.  The physical comedy is there and you simply can’t go wrong with the tirades that “Sparky” has in every film.

Bill Murray – John Winger (Stripes)
Honorable Mention – Carl Spackler (Caddyshack)
I imagine I’ll get some flack for this one as Carl “It’s in the hole!” Spackler is close to icon status with my generation.  That said, when I think Bill Murray I think Stripes first.  The “Big Toe Hulka” speech that he gives along with the ending where he’s got the troops all in line puts John Winger at the top of my Murray list.

Mark Hamill – Luke Skywalker (Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
Honorable Mention – The Joker (Batman Animated)
I almost didn’t put this one on the list cause it’s just too damn easy.  But after reflection I figured THIS is what the list is all about… a role that truly does define one’s career.  Mark Hamill IS Luke Skywalker and Luke Skywalker IS Mark Hamill.  No matter how many comic books and novels I read I’m always picturing Hamill.  He’s gone on to do some great voice work but when it comes to the silver screen its Jedi all the way.

Sean Connery – James Bond (Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, Diamonds Are Forever, Never Say Never Again)
Honorable Mention – John Patrick Mason (The Rock)
The character of James Bond is currently working on his 6th incarnation… but none of the subsequent versions have lived up to the original.  Connery was the first and in my mind will always remain the quintessential Bond.  No actor since has gotten both the suave and action sides of this timeless character.  Shaken, not stirred please.

Marlon Brando – Don Vito Corleone (The Godfather)
Honorable Mention – Jor-El (Superman)
Often imitated, never duplicated.  Brando’s Godfather has become synonymous with mob movies.  Tony Soprano came close but when it comes to running the family Vito still stands at the top of the hill.  Not only did Brando create an icon, but that film still holds up incredibly well today.  If you haven’t seen it, you owe it to yourself.

Susan Sarandon – Annie Savoy (Bull Durham)
Honorable Mention – Sister Helen Prejean (Dead Man Walking)
These days Sarandon is better known for being Mrs Tim Robbins and for her political views.  To me she’ll always be Annie Savoy.  If you’re a baseball fan of any kind then this movie has been on your radar for years.  The dialog in this flick is awesome and the interplay between Sarandon and Kevin Costner is amazing.  This was a pretty easy pick for me in terms of “definitive roles”.

Heath Ledger – The Joker (The Dark Knight)
Honorable Mention – Gabriel Martin (The Patriot)
This one is recent but just too damn easy.  Ledger’s last performance before his untimely death won him an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor – and he SO deserved it.  Prior to this Jack Nicholson held the title for “best Joker performance” and Heath ripped it out of his hands in convincing fashion.  Ledger’s death is sad on so many levels – one of them being that he’ll never have an opportunity to reprise this amazing roll.

Tom Hanks – Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
Honorable Mention – Josh Baskin (Big)
Tom Hanks has become one of the most well known actors of our generation.  He’s won multiple Oscars, has directed and produced.  He’s currently the #1 box office star in the world in terms of total gross (over 3.5 BILLION).  All of that said, by far my favorite roll of his is the slow southerner that just loves to run.  The film won 6 Oscars including Hanks’ Best Actor.

Sigorney Weaver – Ellen Ripley (Alien, Aliens, Alien 3, Alien: Resurrection)
Honorable Mention – Dana Barrett (Ghostbusters)
The first Alien film is one of my all time favorites… and the second is above that.  Weaver gives a performance that is matched only by the title character.  Ripley is one of the most recognizable roles out there (male or female).  In fact, AFI named her one of the top 10 greatest heroes in American cinematic history.  That’s good enough for me!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Just a couple of things that I realized/noticed while I was coming up with this list.  Half of the characters listed here were only in one movie.  I suppose those characters could be listed as even MORE iconic as they only had one portrayal to “make it stick”.  There are two movies (or franchises) that appear twice on the list: The Star Wars Saga and Ghostbusters.  This is most certainly due to my movie background bias.  I also find it interesting that the character of The Joker appears twice on this list as well (though to be fair Hamill’s version is only my alternate).  Just goes to show you what an iconic figure that guy is!  As I said at the beginning… let the debates begin!